A Diary With Tears: 2016

YOU WERE MY FIRST

You are my first.

First one who made me laugh by just using the simplest knock knock jokes that didn't even made sense.

The first one who made me ridiculously happy just because of the little banters we share between classes.

The first one who gave me sleepless nights because of your deep curiosity and dramatic sense for poetry.

You were there, first who carried my things, first boy who held my hand.

The one who covered up for my mistakes in class, the one who meant the compliments he gave me, and the first one who was there at my darkest.

You were the first one who made me realize, that somehow, my soul is still part of this world.

The first one who made me think that home isn't just a simple architecture, but a person too.

But you see, you are also my first.
First one who knew how to turn the butterflies in my stomach to wasps.

You were the first one who made me feel this huge void sucking every feeling I have.

It was the first time, where I felt everything and nothing at all, at the same.

You were the first one who made me cry.

The first whose absence made me every part of me ache.

You were the first person whom I tried to write about, but failed to find the right sentences.
You were my first firework, you gave me your whole constellations and made me see what's behind each of them.

You gave me rhapsodies every time you say something to my ear.

Every memory we made, every thing you said, they were all euphorbias to me.

You were my first.
The first dream of my soul.

The boy who has all my words, but now I have found them again.
Now, I'm letting you go.

- Margo -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

FRIENDSHIP BREAKUP

Friendship break up is one of most painful.

It's too difficult letting go someone who has been a part of your life.

Who has been there during your ups and downs.

Who told you that he or she will never bring you down and now ironically doing the opposite.

It hurts, but you have to be strong.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

I DON'T NEED YOU

I don't need you.

In the depths of sadness and despair, where were you..?

You weren't there.

I don't need you.

In the pit of depression where everything seems wrong and falling apart, where were you..?

You weren't there.

I don't need you.

For all the times I called you to save me from the days I feel all alone and lonely, where were you..? You weren't there.

I don't need you.

Moments that I needed your company and your loving hands to warm the coldness that's filling up the spaces of my heart, where were you..?

You weren't there.

I don't need you.

For all the times I shined the brightest and I wanted you to witness it, where were you..?

You weren't there.

I don't need you.

Times when doubts and fears conquered my mind, all I wanted was the truth but where were you..?

But when you needed time, I set aside and drop all the things I should do to see you.
But when you feel like nobody's there for you.

I was there.

But when you needed attention, I was always available.

One dumb text away no matter what time of the day, you were my priority.
And when you needed love, I poured my heart out and showed you the soul like no one else had.

It was pure, it was only for you, it was my downfall but it made you happy for a while.

I didn't mind.

I still love you but where were you..?
You were with her.

I don't need you.

I just don't feel the need to be remembered when you got home from a date with her.

I don't need you.

I just don't feel the need to be your number two.

I don't need you.

Words by,

- Regine Deroca -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

DEAR GIRL WHO HAS BEEN REPLACED

Just because he's already with a new girl,

That doesn't mean you should feel like you've been replaced.

Because the truth is,

It's impossible to replace you.

He might think she's prettier than you,

He might think her personality is better than yours,

And he might think he's more compatible with that girl than he was with you,

But don't let him take away how special you are in your own way,

how unique you are in your own right,

and how amazing you really are in your own light.

You shouldn't look at her and feel ugly.

You shouldn't compare yourself to her and feel like you aren't good enough.

And you shouldn't see how he loves her and hate yourself for it.

He might not be able to see what you're worth.

But you should know what you worth.

He might not be able to recognize your value,

But you should be able to recognize what your value is.

He might not be able to realize what you deserve.

But you should be able to give yourself what you deserve.

Sure, he's already with another girl.

But that doesn't mean you have to already be with another guy, too.

Right now is the time for you to find yourself and pick up the pieces of yourself that were left broken by him.

You don't need to be worrying about guys.

Let alone one who doesn't care about you anymore.

I know you're feeling vulnerable.

But don't be so quick to fall for the next guy who's there for you because you aren't ready to be with someone at the moment.

If he's already happy because of another girl, good for him.

He's no longer your problem.

He's her problem.

Let her deal with what kind of guy he truly is when she eventually finds out.

Just focus on yourself, do you, and eventually you'll be the reason why you're happy.

Sincerely,

A guy who cares,
- Teddy Nguyen -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

MAYBE WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS

I'm just afraid, that one day, cute nicknames will become insults.

Long text messages will become one word replies.

Late night phone calls will start going straight to voicemail.

Cuddling in bed will turn into sleeping with our backs turned.

Making out will turn into blank tap kisses.

Spending time together will turn into spending time with other people.

Flirting will become sweet nothings,

"I love you"

will turn into

"Maybe, we should just be friends"

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

LOVE IS INDEED A CHOICE

The hormone responsible for us to be in love is the so called oxytocin.

The high level of it only lasts for approximately 6 months.

So basically after 6 months.

It's already a matter of choice if you still want to be with that person.

Love is indeed a choice.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THAT GIRL WHO HAS BEEN SINGLE FOR A LONG TIME

Don't pressure yourself just because you're still single.

Don't rush yourself in love.

Achieve your dreams.

Don't lower your standards just to be in a relationship.

Spoil yourself.
Spoil your family.

They deserve that.

Travel the world.

Create great memories.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO MY CURRENT RELATIONSHIP

I'm not the prettiest girl.

But you never fail to tell me every single day that I'm beautiful.

I'm not anyone's dream girl.

But you never fail to make me feel like you've won the jackpot.

Fact is, I have a lot of insecurities.

But you never cease to break down the walls of insecurity that I built just to constantly remind me that I'm perfect.

I just want you to know that I thank God for giving me someone who can and will always be ready to handle my mood swings, rants, tantrums and dramas in life.

I thank Him for giving me someone who will always be there for me 24 / 7.

I thank Him for giving me someone who will never give up on me.

And above all, I thank Him for giving me such a wonderful blessing.

To my current relationship, I just hope you're my last.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

GIRLS ARE LIKE APPLES

Girls are like apples..

The best ones are at the top of the trees.

The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

So, the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing.

They just have to wait for the right boy to come along.

The one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

- Pete Wentz -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THE GIRL WHO HAS BEEN LEFT HANGING

Questions.

Yes, your mind is full of questions right now.

"Am I not good enough..?"

"Am I ugly..?"

"What's wrong with me..?"

These are just some of the things bothering you right now.

You wanted to talk to the person.

You wanted to know why.

Don't ask for a closure.

Don't ask for him to be back in your life.

He is just one of those guys who doesn't have the balls to pursue you.

Those guys who are just good with sweet words but not in actions..

You certainly deserve better.

You deserve a better treatment.

You deserve to be with someone who will not just flirt, but really gives you importance.

It hurts.

But it's just temporary.

You'll get over it pretty real soon..!

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

HAPPINESS

Happiness shouldn't depend on a person because people change.

It shouldn't also depend on material things because they become irrelevant afterwards.

Happiness should dwell on your personal choices.

Inhale positive energy and exhale negative vibes.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

IF SHE IS

"If she's amazing, she won't be easy.

If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up easily.

If you give up, you're not worthy.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you ; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for"

- Bob Marley -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TREATED AS AN OPTION

You were treated an option because you allowed it to happen.

You were okay with the mediocre treatment.

You were so blinded with love.

Use your brain sometimes.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

I'D RATHER BE SINGLE..!

I'd rather be single than waste my time on somebody who's not gonna take me seriously.

I'd rather watch other couples be happy than be in a relationship where I'm gonna be miserable.

I'd rather feel lonely than feel alone even when I'm with somebody.

I'd rather wait until someone comes along and genuinely wants to be with me, than rush into something with someone who just wanna play games with me..

Fuck all that nonsense.

Too many people just wanna "have fun" nowadays, which is fine cause at our age.

I don't blame you.

It's normal.

But don't do it at my expense and hurt me while you're at it.

Words by,

- Teddy Nguyen -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

DISRESPECT ME

That's the thing.

Women expressing sexuality is often mistaken as,

"Hi come disrespect me"

and that's just not the case.

Women and men can express themselves however they'd like..

Even loving sex.

That is not an invitation to be disrespected.

- Ariana Grande -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

BEING A REAL MAN

Being a real man isn't measured on how sexy your abs are.

The more that it's not measured on the number of girls you had.

But definitely, it's about being able to value commitment, being responsible and being mature in dealing things.

Aren't you tired of your immature hook ups..?

Man up and grow up dude..!

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

BEING GIRL IS NOT EASY

Being a girl isn't easy.

You'll have uncontrollable mood swings, hormonal imbalance, period pains and you give birth.

So don't allow any man to add up to your struggles.

You had enough.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

PRAY

If you're in doubt and you feel bothered,

don't hesitate to call His name.

Open up all your burdens to Him and you'll feel better.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

90-10 SECRETS

Consider a situation : -

You're eating breakfast with your family.

Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt.

You curse.

You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over.

She breaks down in tears.

After scolding her, you turn to your wife and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table.

A short verbal battle follows.

You storm upstairs and change your shirt.

Back downstairs you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school.

She misses the bus.

Your wife must leave immediately for work.

You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school.

Because you are late, you drive 80 km an hour in a 60 kmph speed limit.

After a 15 minute delay and paying a $60 traffic fine, you arrived at school.

Your daughter runs to the building without saying good-bye.

After arriving at the office 30 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase.

Your day has started terrible.

As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse.

You look forward to going home.

When you arrive home you find a small wedge in your relationship with your wife and daughter. Why..?

Because of how you reacted in the morning.

"Why did you have a bad day..?"

A) Did the coffee cause it..?

B) Did your daughter cause it..?

C) Did the traffic policeman cause it..?

D) Did you cause it..?

The answer is D.

You had no control over what happened with the coffee.

How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day.

Here is what could have and should have happened.

Coffee splashes over you.

Your daughter is about to cry.

You gently say,

"It's OK honey, you just need to be more careful next time"

Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs.

After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase.

You come back down in time look through the window and see your child getting on the bus.

She turns and waves.

You and your wife kiss before you both go to work.

You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff.

Your boss comments on how good a day you are having.

Notice the difference.

Two different scenarios.

Both started the same.

Both ended different.

Why..?

Because of how you REACTED.

You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens.

The other 90% is determined by your reaction.

Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 secret :-

If someone says something negative about you, do not be a sponge.

Let the attack roll off like water on glass.

You don't have to let the negative comment affect you..!

React properly and it will not ruin your day.

A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out, etc.

How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic..?

Do you lose your temper..?

Pound the steering wheel till it fall off..?

Do you curse..?

Does your blood pressure skyrocket..?

Do you try and bump them..?

WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work..?

Why let the blue car ruin your drive.

Remember the 90-10 principle, and do not worry about it..!

You are told you lost your job.

Why lose sleep or get irritated..?

It will work out.

Channel your energy and time into finding another job.

The plane is late.

It is going to mangle your schedule for the day.

Why vent out your frustration on the flight attendant..?

She has no control over what is going on.

Use your time to read, get to know the other passengers, etc.

Why get stressed out..?

It will just make things worse.

Now you know the 90-10 secret.

Apply it and you will be amazed at the results.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

I AM MOVING ON

Bermula dari pertengahan bulan Mei sehinggalah sekarang, aku pun berkawan dengan Mr. Doctor..

Mula-mula kawan biasa la..

He's funny gila kot..

Kadang-kadang, aku ni umpama peneman dia bila on call..

Ada la berceloteh sambil-sambil dia buat report..

Pada mula-mula kenal tu, semuanya through WeChat..

Dia tak pakai Whatsapp..

Dia cuma ada Telegram dan WeChat..

Katanya, Whatsapp tak secure..

Aku tak tahu sangatlah kan bab-bab tu..

Bagi aku, texting free tu je yang penting..

Oh ya, dia juga seorang programmer..

Dia ambil double degree..

So, kawan punya kawan, lama-lama tersuka pulak..

But seriously, tersuka sebab dia kelakar sangat-sangat..

Mengekek-ngekek juga la aku gelak walaupun tengah-tengah malam..

Teringat pulak kenangan dulu-dulu..

And memang aku tak tidur malam pun dok berchatting dengan dia..

Tapi, dia ni seorang yang agak lurus jugak la time mula-mula kenal..

Pesen, straight to the point dan jujur..

Kadang-kadang, menyakitkan hati jugak..

Tersentap pun hado..

So lama-lama kawan, berchatting, hati tersuka..

Aku beritahu terus ja..

Tapi, dia cakap,

"Kita kenal dulu.. Kalau ada, ada la"

He's single dan tak pernah bercinta..

Dia agak rendah diri dan tak yakin dengan diri dia dalam bab bercinta ni..

Sebab dia kata, dia tak ada paras rupa..

Bagi aku, semua tu tak penting..

Sebab aku lebih tertarik dengan kebaikan, perwatakan dan intelligence..

Yup, aku suka orang yang genius, educated, humble and berpandangan jauh..

Matang pun penting jugak..

Beza umur aku dengan dia ada la dalam 10 tahun..

He was born in 1983..

While, I was born in 1993..

Dasyat jugak la aku move on dari kisah cinta terkubur aku dengan ex aku tu..

Hari ni putus, 2 days later aku dah move on..

Actually, sebelum putus tu, dah setahun lebih dah aku dengan ex tak tegur menegur..

Masing-masing buat hal masing-masing walaupun time tu aku masih berharap lagi..

Perempuan kan..?

Tapi, aku move on cepat kali ni, sebab aku tak mau jadi bodoh..

Aku tak rugi apa-apa pun atas kegagalan hubungan lalu aku dengan ex aku..

Bagi aku, dia yang rugi sebab dah kehilangan orang yang betul-betul sayangkan dia..

Yang sanggup hidup susah dan senang bersama dia..

Then, 2 days after putus cinta, aku pun terus berkenal-kenalan secara serius dengan Mr. Doctor..

Dan alhamdulillah, perkenalan ada la dalam 3 bulan..

Sampai bulan 8, kami terus bertunang..

Aku tengok dia baik ja, tawakkal je la apa yang jadi pun..

Kiranya aku betting hidup aku ni dengan moving on dengan orang yang aku baru je kenal..

So far, semuanya okay..

Aku boleh terima baik buruk dia..

And so does him..

Simple je majlis tunang aku.. Tunang je pun.. Aku tak jemput kengkawan aku langsung..

Dulang-dulang hantaran tu pun, diorang yang bawa.. Tak minta pun.. Tunang aku cakap, petang tu kami nak bertunang, pagi tu depa p beli..

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

MY PAST STORY WITH MY EX

6 tahun yang dulu iaitu pada tahun 2011 sehingga la penghujung Mei 2016, aku pernah berkenalan dengan seorang lelaki sebaya aku..

Dia seorang yang baik, down to earth, sopan santun, hormat orang tua, rajin menuntut ilmu, gemar sibukkan diri dengan persatuan..

Kiranya memang perwatakan dia ni terlalu berbeza dengan aku yang macam tak ada life ni..

Boleh dikatakan, bertuah la aku dapat dia dulu..

Kawan-kawan rapat yang tahu tentang kami, semua rasa macam kami ni memang dah tertulis untuk bersama..

Buan diorang je rasa macam tu, aku pun sama..

Seriously, kalau ada pertelingkahan ke apa ke, tak pernah gaduh teruk-teruk.

Habis-habis pun masing-masing sekadarr senyap untuk 2 3 hari dan akan hubungi semula dan cari cara untuk menyelesaikannya..

Aku dulu rasa dia ni macam,

"He's the one"

Tapi ternyata aku silap..

Sampailah bulan Syawal tahun lepas, dia slowly jauhkan diri dia dari aku..

Aku pelik la kenapa out of sudden dia macam tu..

Tapi, tak pulak aku nak tanya ke apa ke, sebab aku lawan prasangka aku ni dengan menganggap dia busy study, busy berpersatuan..

Walaupun kadang-kadang ada la rasa macam dia memang dah tak nak apa-apa dengan aku..

Oh ya, dia merupakan seorang student medic dan belajar di Mesir..

Jadi, kalau dah ambil jurusan perubatan ni, faham-faham la sibuknya macam mana..

Tambah-tambah bila ditambah dengan keaktifan dalam persatuan..

Memang over busy..

Sampai la tahun ni, iaitu dalam bulan Mei, birthday dia 2nd of May, aku wish macam biasa..

Time tu memang aku dah tawar hati yang teramat-amat sangat..

Aku wish, "Happy birthday",

Tapi tak ada reply langsung..

Tak ada respond..

Aku betul-betul rasa tak dihargai langsung..

At least hargailah aku sebagai seorang kawan kalau dah memang betul tak ada simpan apa-apa rasa lagi pada aku ni..

Sedihla, sebab aku tak pernah luahkan apa-apa yang aku alami pada sesiapa pun walaupun pada kawan baik aku..

Sebab aku jenis suka meluah melalui penulisan..

Aku decided untuk tulis apa yang aku rasa dekat blog aku yang lagi satu tu..

Aku luahkan segala apa yang dia rasa and aku minta sesiapa yang nak bagi pandangan atau nasihat tentang permasalahan aku, kindly WeChat aku..

Dan di sinilah aku berkenalan dengan seseorang..

Nama username WeChat dia pelik gila..

Macam orang jahat je aku rasa..

Hahaha..

Dia add aku di WeChat..

Aku teragak-agak pada mulanya, sebab aku tak accept lelaki di mana-mana laman sosial aku..

Jadi, aku accept jugak la atas asbab betul-betul aku nak dengar point of view dia..

First time kenal tu, dia suruh aku pertahankan apa yang kami dah mulakan..

Ya la kan, perkenalan 6 tahun, it's not that easy..

Takkanlah mudah-mudah je nak give up macam tu je..

Aku lawan kata hati aku walaupun dah setahun aku banyak makan hati..

Kadang-kadang dah rasa memang macam dah tak ada perasaan langsung..

Kadang-kadang ada muncul rasa benci..

Kadang-kadang, muncul judgmental mengatakan semua lelaki tu sama..

Ahhhhh, macam-macam lagi la..

Tapi, kawan WeChat aku tu ada cakap,

"Sesibuk mana pun seseorang tu, dia tetap akan pegang handphone"

Dia ni jenis faham jugak la aku..

Pemikiran yang jauh lebih matang dari aku yang childish..

Mungkin sebab umr kawan aku ni 33 tahun..

Was born in 1983..

Memang kalau nak discuss any issues gerenti differ punya la..

Sebab aku fikir dalam konteks yang kecik..

Tapi, dia berfikiran jauh dari orang biasa berfikir..

Oh ya, kawan WeChat aku tu doktor..

Seorang Doktor Pakar Perunding Bahagian Sakit Puan...

Gred UD52..

Jadi, macam kebetulan la kiranya..

Umpama dia boleh faham aku since dia doktor and my ex pula doctor gonna be..

Dalam 2 minggu aku kenal doktor specialist ni,
Aku pun decided untuk minta kata putus dari ex aku..
Sama ada dia nak teurskan lagi ataupun sebaliknya..
Time tu memang aku dah pasrah habis..
Kalau ada, ada la..
Kalau tak ada pun tak apa..
Allah knows best..

Tapi, seriously, hati aku time tu memang mengatakan yang ex aku memang nak putuskan hubungan kami..
Dan hati aku pun dah tak ada rasa apa dah..
Memang tak ada perasaan langsung dah aku waktu tu..

Dan precisely, memang dia putuskan hubungan kami yang dah 6 tahun terbina tanpa ada sebarang sebab..
Kalau dari sudut agama, tak ada jodoh la orang kata..
Dan aku tak rasa sedih langsung..
Nak nangis pun tak..
Sebab memang dah macam zombie tak berperasaan langsung..

Selama ni, aku rasa aku kenal sangat dah dia..
Dah boleh terima dan tahu baik buruk, kelebihan dan kelemahan dia..
Tapi, lepas officially putus dulu, aku baru terasa yang aku sebenarnya masih tak kenal dan tak tahu apa-apa tentang dia..
How stupid I was, back then..

"To be continued"

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

KEK CHEESE OREO AISKRIM

1 paket oreo besar (Hancurkan)
150g butter (Cairkan) masuk dalam oreo.. Gaul rata..

Bawah loyang loose tu lapik plastik wraping..

Tabur oreo tekan-tekan guna sudip / sudu..

Masuk ke dalam peti ais selama 30 minit di tempat beku..

300g cream cheese (Suhu bilik)
6 sudu besar gula ising

Mix sampai jadi macam ni

1 cawan whipping non dairy

Masuk ke dalam cream cheese tadi..

Mix sehingga sebati..

Macam ni..

Ketepikan..

Masukkan lagi 1 cawan whipping cream dan mix sampai kental dan gebu..

Macam ni..

Masuk adunan yang ada cream cheese tadi ke dalam whipping kosong..

Kaup balikkan..

Sebati sebegini

3 sudu besar gelatin halal dibancuh dengan 1/4 air panas..

Kacau sampai tak berketul..

Boleh tapis kalau nampak ketul-ketul atas panaskan dalam pengukus..

Masukkan ke dalam adunan cheese tadi dan ratakan..

Masukkan 5 sudu besar oreo..

Yang ni oreo lain..

Hancurkan, jangan hancur sangat..

Ada kasar sikit dan gaul sebati..

Masukkan ke dalam loyang dan ratakan..

Masukkan ke dalam freezer..

Bekukan selama 2 jam..

Keluakan dari loyang loose dan tolak ke atas dan tanggalkan tapak dia

Contoh loyang loose

Letak di atas board dan hiaskan..

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

WE DON'T ASK MUCH

Most of us don't ask for too much.

We just want someone who we can laugh with and enjoy the rest of our days with.

We are tired of giving our all to people who aren't ready to return the same kind of effort.

We are tired of standing in our truth with people who can't be honest with us.

For once in our life, can we meet someone who is traveling on the same wavelength as us..?

Where are the people who value strong bonds and deep conversations..?

Lets travel the world and see things we never saw.

Lets go out and make a whole bunch of great memories that we both forget to take pictures of.

Some of us still believe that our romantic love story still exist.

We just want the same kind of love that we give other people to be returned back to us as well.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

SECRET TO PLEASE YOUR WIFE

A very beautiful secret to please your wife in a minute.

If she is sad, worried or in bad mood.

Go near to her, hold her hands as if she were princess.

Stare in her eyes.

As if you have never seen a beautiful girl like her, and tell her,

"I love you my (Put your wife name here)"

If she does not say anything.

Again tell her.

I love you.

If she turns herself away, then tell her.
I love you, and keep telling her,

"I love you"

for whatever she does unless and until she smiles and reply you,

"I love you too my husband"

Dear Brothers,

No matter, how many years you have passed as a loving couple, your wife always love to hear "I love you" from you.

But we husbands are very big fool and don't realize its magical effects and that it is just boring to say the same thing again and again.

But from the point of view of your wives.

It's totally different.

As it makes her feel loved.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

WHEN A GIRL SAYS SHE LOVES YOU MORE

When a girl says she loves you more, she doesn't mean she loves you more than you love her.

It's deeper than that.

It's so much deeper than that.

There's more to it.

What she means is she loves you more than the bad days ahead of you both.

What she means is she loves you more than any fight you two will ever have.

What she means is she loves you more than the distance that separates you from her.

What she means is she loves you more than any mistake you'll ever make with her.

What she means is she loves you more than all of the challenges you two will face together.

What she means is she loves you more than the nights where she'll feel like giving up.

What she means is she loves you more than the times you'll end up hurting her.

What she means is she loves you more than the moments that'll show her just how incompatible you two can be.

What she means is she loves you more than she'll ever hate you.

So when a girl says "I love you more", there's just so much more behind that than you realize because what she means is above all and despite everything, she loves you the most.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

RELATIONSHIP THAT ENDED LIKE A BROKEN GLASS

After a four year relationship that ended like a broken glass, I was a wreck.

To be honest, I used to be the kind of girl who only felt her worth from my ex's compliments.

His I love you's made me feel beautiful.

His kisses and hugs made me feel wanted.

I was so focused on loving him that when he left, I was a wreck.

I didn't even know how to be happy anymore.

It's not easy to move on.

It takes time.

Actually, especially when that someone became part of your daily routine.

Tears were my breakfast in the morning and dinner before I sleep.

Someone told me,

"Instead of killing yourself why don't you start healing yourself..?"

And that's when it hit me like a rocketship.

And one day, I started dating myself.

I learned how to enjoy my own company.

I started watching a movie ALONE, reading a romance book while taking a sip of my favorite coffee ALONE, walking in the street while listening to Beatles ALONE and it feels amazing in my every core.

I started to focus on my job and school.

I hang out with my friends / workmates.

I enjoy talking to my Mom.

I travel as much I can.

I do something new.

I learn something different.

I crave for adventure.

I seek for improvement.

Tell you what girls, dating someone else that is better than your ex isn't the key to move on from the pain you're feeling right now.

You can only move on when you start to value yourself as a woman and to know your worth without minding anyone's perspective about you.

Instead of looking for someone better than your past, be better and be the best version of you.

Being selfish isn't bad.

Love yourself first before anyone else.

Cheer up and make the world your runway.

Trust me, it feels fucking amazing

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

EXISTENCE OF TRUE LOVE

I never knew that true love exists.

I always get my heart shattered.

People always leave and get tired of me.

I only knew true love existed in fictions and movies.

Every so often those couples I admired from afar that I thought would have a happily ever after ends up breaking up too.

I've always thought that it's too good to be true.

But then, you came into my life.

I was hopeless before you even knew my name.

You made me realize that true love do exist.

You gave me this feeling that I never felt towards someone else before.

Ever since you came, there's no one worth thinking about.

I ended up believing in faith, destinies and fantasies about love, you made every love story written in this world all worth believing and you changed my point of view.

It's all because of you.

True love is even though we're far away from each other, our hearts know that distance can't rip us apart.

True love is acceptance.

I accept all your flaws, including your past and mistakes.

All the things you hate about yourself but, I still find them beautiful.

True love is patience.

I am willing to wait with you.

I'm willing to wait no matter how long it takes, even if it takes a lifetime because I know everything will be worth it in the end.

True love is selfless.

I will always put you first rather than myself just to make you happy.

I will always choose whats the best for you.

True love is assurance.

I trust you with all my heart; no doubts, uncertainty and suspicions.

True love isn't found.

It's built, our love will grow as time passes by; it will be stronger.

True love isn't easy.

There will be ups and downs.

There will be challenges and sufferings.

I'm willing to face them all with you.

I will never let go and I will always hold on.

I never knew what they meant by true love until I met you.

True love is rare but I found it with you.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

FIGHTING A BATTLE

If you are fighting a battle read this,

I know how hard it is to remain strong or even to fake that you are strong.

I admire your being resilient amidst all the problems that you have.

Always remember that dark days always come to an end.

I know that you're losing sleep and appetite but always remember that every problems in our life happen for a reason.

You might not understand the purpose of it for now, but at the right time definitely you will.

In every door that closes, new opportunities will surely come your way.

People come and go.

People change.

Cherish the people who stick with you.

Let go the people who don't deserve you.

Life is too short to be together with someone causing so much distress in your life.

You are not alone in life.

You are loved.

You are worth it.

Better days are coming.

Don't give up easily in life.

You deserve better.

You deserve all the happiness in the world.

I swear, you will be FINE.

Your happiness and joy will be back and that's for sure.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

I USED TO BE THAT GIRL

I used to be the girl who doubted herself and her abilities.

I used to be the girl who cared so much about other people's opinions of her.

I used to be the girl who spoke rarely in class because she was afraid everyone would laugh at her.

I used to be the girl who said yes to everything because she wanted everyone to like her.

I used to be the girl who would put on a fake smile and pretend everything was fine when it wasn't.
I used to be the girl who barged into other people's conversations to feel like she actually belonged to a group.
I used to be the girl who cried herself to sleep every night.
I used to be the girl who lived her life in a cycle. I used to be the girl who thought the pain would never end.

I used to be that girl.
Now, I am the girl who knows and loves who she is.
Now, I am the girl who only cares about what herself, her friends, her family, and God.
Now, I am the girl who can speak her mind and stand up for herself.
Now, I am the girl who can say no to people and can accept that not everybody will like her.
Now, I am the girl who can openly express her feelings and deal with her problems.
Now, I am the girl who ignores the thought of being left out and has fun on her own anyway.

Now, I am the girl who reminds herself of all the good things in her life before she goes to bed.
Now, I am the girl who strives to live life to the fullest.
Now, I am the girl who realizes that pain ends when she chooses to be happy.

I am that girl.
I am this girl.
I am the girl who will grow for herself and for the people that matter to her.
I am the girl who will let go of all her insecurities.
I am the girl who will build confidence in herself.
I am the girl who will fight for herself.
I am the girl who will stay true to herself.
I am the girl who will embrace independence.

I am the girl who will appreciate everything she has in her life.
I am the girl who will set goals and challenge herself to achieve them all.
I am the girl who will never give up.

I will be that girl.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

LOVE IS PATIENT

Love is patient and my love, you have always been patient with me.

With an uncertainty of when we are able to see each other again, you are painstakingly and constantly waiting and hoping for the day I can be with you.

Despite all these, your loyalty is unyielding ; your promises are trustworthy ; your love is tangible and is able to travel at the speed of light towards me.

Your honesty and your patience is ever present and undeniable.
Love is kind.

And your fingers prioritize gentleness whenever they touch my hands.

It felt as if you were so afraid to leave a scar on the frailty of my skin, on the frailty of my heart and so you move gracefully and gently with sufficient strength as you wrap your arms around me.

You have always put me first.

You have always ensured my comfort.

And, my love, your warmth already showers me with so much comfort.

Love does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud.
And, my love, you are humble in every way.

You are easily satisfied with the things you hold.

You are extremely accepting of who you are and where you are in life while your massive aspirations sit in your heart silently and carefully.

Indeed, your eyes alone are able to exemplify humility and love for others.
Love does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking.

I have seen right before my eyes how you've given those coins which perhaps was all you have at that time to a beggar and how your voice felt so sincere when you told him to take care of himself right before he left.

I felt that no matter what, or no matter who the person can be, you are always able to show compassion and you are able to honor them in all the little ways that you can.

And, my love, you are so selfless.

Love is not easily angered.
You never allow the both of us to be angry at each other for more than a day.

You have always been ready to apologize for your mistakes and you have always been ready to forgive whenever I make mistakes.

And, my love, you are so considerate, understanding, and forgiving.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

I love how you always correct me when I'm at fault.

I love how you will never condone my wrongdoings.

And, my love, I believe this is the most essential part of all relationships to be able to correct each other without hesitation lovingly.
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

I felt how willing you are to protect me despite the distance that separates us.

I felt how your trust is able to sail in ships and fly through planes.

I'm able to see how hopeful you are that we would be able to see each other soon and your perseverance to pursue me and to be with me is so evident that I do not doubt at all.

My love, actions speak louder than words even if you will not tell me that you love me every day, I would still feel and see it.

Oh, and one last thing, I love you too.

And yes is my answer to the question you have been asking.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THE GIRL WHO NEEDS TO REMEMBER SHE'S MORE THAN ENOUGH

The most important thing I want you to take away from this is that you are most definitely, without a doubt good enough.

I need you to remember there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

I know there is a good chance you are rolling your eyes at that statement, you may be muttering to yourself, "yeah right" or "whatever" but mutter away cause it's true.

It's tough being the girl who cares too much.

The girl who would do anything for those she cares about without wanting anything in return.

I totally get that. It can take a toll on a person.

You're the girl that overthinks everything.

The one who worries about everyone before worrying about herself.

You're the girl who loves with her whole heart.

You jump in with no hesitations.

You're also the girl who's had her heart broken because of it.

The one who at the end of the day begins to question everything.

You need to erase this idea that there is something the matter with you.

Delete the notion that you're unlovable, that you have some sort of personality flaw that stops someone from loving you.

You see the problem was never you.

It's the boy you openly gave your heart to, that couldn't see the value in your love.

A guy who took a heart of gold and tried to tarnish it.

A guy who doesn't deserve the love you've continuously tried to give him.

If he makes you feel like you're not good enough, he isn't good enough.

Forget that guy because as much as losing him hurts, there will be someone to pick up the pieces and help you leave him in the dust.

There is someone out there who will show you how a real gentleman treats a lady.

Let me tell you, you deserve a man that will lift you up, help you believe in yourself, remind you fairy tales do exist and that you can have your own Nicholas Sparks tale, but it'll be even better cause it will be your own.

Stop comparing yourself to every other girl out there.

You were born to be different, to be an individual.

You're not supposed to be like everyone else, otherwise you wouldn't be you.

Just because she has some features you wish you had, doesn't mean you aren't deserving of the same things she is, it doesn't make you any less of a woman.

She may be taller, weigh a little less than you but it doesn't make her better.

Chances are there are things she doesn't like about herself as well.

The things you see as flaws or imperfections make you the wonderful woman you are.

Stop looking at yourself in the mirror feeling disgusted.

Stop picking out all the things you hate about yourself.

Focus on all the good.

Stop telling yourself that if you lost a few pounds everything would be better.

Stop convincing yourself your weight is a reason to not be worthy.

You have to learn to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you.

I promise there will be a guy who will love every little thing about you, even your love handles, the way your hairs a mess when you wake up and every other thing you think is wrong with your body.

Please know that the scale doesn't define you.

You may be skinnier than other girls or you may be a little more curvaceous and both of those are perfectly fine.

Embrace it all, because you are beautiful.

Forget those who make you feel any less deserving of respect, love, honesty, loyalty and trust.

In fact tell them bye felicia.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out, because those who refuse to see your worth or helped put the notion that you're not good enough is someone you don't need around.

Love yourself.

You are wonderful and worthy.

You are more than "good enough".

You're great, and your strengths outweigh your weaknesses everyday.

You are beautiful, strong, intelligent, witty, sarcastic, funny and worthy.

You're a genuinely beautiful soul and a fantastic woman, so please believe in yourself, and screw the haters.

From one girl who let the world tell her she wasn't good enough, it's time we start believing we are.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil