A Diary With Tears: 12/30/16

YOU WERE MY FIRST

You are my first.

First one who made me laugh by just using the simplest knock knock jokes that didn't even made sense.

The first one who made me ridiculously happy just because of the little banters we share between classes.

The first one who gave me sleepless nights because of your deep curiosity and dramatic sense for poetry.

You were there, first who carried my things, first boy who held my hand.

The one who covered up for my mistakes in class, the one who meant the compliments he gave me, and the first one who was there at my darkest.

You were the first one who made me realize, that somehow, my soul is still part of this world.

The first one who made me think that home isn't just a simple architecture, but a person too.

But you see, you are also my first.
First one who knew how to turn the butterflies in my stomach to wasps.

You were the first one who made me feel this huge void sucking every feeling I have.

It was the first time, where I felt everything and nothing at all, at the same.

You were the first one who made me cry.

The first whose absence made me every part of me ache.

You were the first person whom I tried to write about, but failed to find the right sentences.
You were my first firework, you gave me your whole constellations and made me see what's behind each of them.

You gave me rhapsodies every time you say something to my ear.

Every memory we made, every thing you said, they were all euphorbias to me.

You were my first.
The first dream of my soul.

The boy who has all my words, but now I have found them again.
Now, I'm letting you go.

- Margo -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

FRIENDSHIP BREAKUP

Friendship break up is one of most painful.

It's too difficult letting go someone who has been a part of your life.

Who has been there during your ups and downs.

Who told you that he or she will never bring you down and now ironically doing the opposite.

It hurts, but you have to be strong.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

I DON'T NEED YOU

I don't need you.

In the depths of sadness and despair, where were you..?

You weren't there.

I don't need you.

In the pit of depression where everything seems wrong and falling apart, where were you..?

You weren't there.

I don't need you.

For all the times I called you to save me from the days I feel all alone and lonely, where were you..? You weren't there.

I don't need you.

Moments that I needed your company and your loving hands to warm the coldness that's filling up the spaces of my heart, where were you..?

You weren't there.

I don't need you.

For all the times I shined the brightest and I wanted you to witness it, where were you..?

You weren't there.

I don't need you.

Times when doubts and fears conquered my mind, all I wanted was the truth but where were you..?

But when you needed time, I set aside and drop all the things I should do to see you.
But when you feel like nobody's there for you.

I was there.

But when you needed attention, I was always available.

One dumb text away no matter what time of the day, you were my priority.
And when you needed love, I poured my heart out and showed you the soul like no one else had.

It was pure, it was only for you, it was my downfall but it made you happy for a while.

I didn't mind.

I still love you but where were you..?
You were with her.

I don't need you.

I just don't feel the need to be remembered when you got home from a date with her.

I don't need you.

I just don't feel the need to be your number two.

I don't need you.

Words by,

- Regine Deroca -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

DEAR GIRL WHO HAS BEEN REPLACED

Just because he's already with a new girl,

That doesn't mean you should feel like you've been replaced.

Because the truth is,

It's impossible to replace you.

He might think she's prettier than you,

He might think her personality is better than yours,

And he might think he's more compatible with that girl than he was with you,

But don't let him take away how special you are in your own way,

how unique you are in your own right,

and how amazing you really are in your own light.

You shouldn't look at her and feel ugly.

You shouldn't compare yourself to her and feel like you aren't good enough.

And you shouldn't see how he loves her and hate yourself for it.

He might not be able to see what you're worth.

But you should know what you worth.

He might not be able to recognize your value,

But you should be able to recognize what your value is.

He might not be able to realize what you deserve.

But you should be able to give yourself what you deserve.

Sure, he's already with another girl.

But that doesn't mean you have to already be with another guy, too.

Right now is the time for you to find yourself and pick up the pieces of yourself that were left broken by him.

You don't need to be worrying about guys.

Let alone one who doesn't care about you anymore.

I know you're feeling vulnerable.

But don't be so quick to fall for the next guy who's there for you because you aren't ready to be with someone at the moment.

If he's already happy because of another girl, good for him.

He's no longer your problem.

He's her problem.

Let her deal with what kind of guy he truly is when she eventually finds out.

Just focus on yourself, do you, and eventually you'll be the reason why you're happy.

Sincerely,

A guy who cares,
- Teddy Nguyen -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

MAYBE WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS

I'm just afraid, that one day, cute nicknames will become insults.

Long text messages will become one word replies.

Late night phone calls will start going straight to voicemail.

Cuddling in bed will turn into sleeping with our backs turned.

Making out will turn into blank tap kisses.

Spending time together will turn into spending time with other people.

Flirting will become sweet nothings,

"I love you"

will turn into

"Maybe, we should just be friends"

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

LOVE IS INDEED A CHOICE

The hormone responsible for us to be in love is the so called oxytocin.

The high level of it only lasts for approximately 6 months.

So basically after 6 months.

It's already a matter of choice if you still want to be with that person.

Love is indeed a choice.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THAT GIRL WHO HAS BEEN SINGLE FOR A LONG TIME

Don't pressure yourself just because you're still single.

Don't rush yourself in love.

Achieve your dreams.

Don't lower your standards just to be in a relationship.

Spoil yourself.
Spoil your family.

They deserve that.

Travel the world.

Create great memories.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO MY CURRENT RELATIONSHIP

I'm not the prettiest girl.

But you never fail to tell me every single day that I'm beautiful.

I'm not anyone's dream girl.

But you never fail to make me feel like you've won the jackpot.

Fact is, I have a lot of insecurities.

But you never cease to break down the walls of insecurity that I built just to constantly remind me that I'm perfect.

I just want you to know that I thank God for giving me someone who can and will always be ready to handle my mood swings, rants, tantrums and dramas in life.

I thank Him for giving me someone who will always be there for me 24 / 7.

I thank Him for giving me someone who will never give up on me.

And above all, I thank Him for giving me such a wonderful blessing.

To my current relationship, I just hope you're my last.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

GIRLS ARE LIKE APPLES

Girls are like apples..

The best ones are at the top of the trees.

The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

So, the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing.

They just have to wait for the right boy to come along.

The one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

- Pete Wentz -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THE GIRL WHO HAS BEEN LEFT HANGING

Questions.

Yes, your mind is full of questions right now.

"Am I not good enough..?"

"Am I ugly..?"

"What's wrong with me..?"

These are just some of the things bothering you right now.

You wanted to talk to the person.

You wanted to know why.

Don't ask for a closure.

Don't ask for him to be back in your life.

He is just one of those guys who doesn't have the balls to pursue you.

Those guys who are just good with sweet words but not in actions..

You certainly deserve better.

You deserve a better treatment.

You deserve to be with someone who will not just flirt, but really gives you importance.

It hurts.

But it's just temporary.

You'll get over it pretty real soon..!

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

HAPPINESS

Happiness shouldn't depend on a person because people change.

It shouldn't also depend on material things because they become irrelevant afterwards.

Happiness should dwell on your personal choices.

Inhale positive energy and exhale negative vibes.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

IF SHE IS

"If she's amazing, she won't be easy.

If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up easily.

If you give up, you're not worthy.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you ; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for"

- Bob Marley -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TREATED AS AN OPTION

You were treated an option because you allowed it to happen.

You were okay with the mediocre treatment.

You were so blinded with love.

Use your brain sometimes.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

I'D RATHER BE SINGLE..!

I'd rather be single than waste my time on somebody who's not gonna take me seriously.

I'd rather watch other couples be happy than be in a relationship where I'm gonna be miserable.

I'd rather feel lonely than feel alone even when I'm with somebody.

I'd rather wait until someone comes along and genuinely wants to be with me, than rush into something with someone who just wanna play games with me..

Fuck all that nonsense.

Too many people just wanna "have fun" nowadays, which is fine cause at our age.

I don't blame you.

It's normal.

But don't do it at my expense and hurt me while you're at it.

Words by,

- Teddy Nguyen -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

DISRESPECT ME

That's the thing.

Women expressing sexuality is often mistaken as,

"Hi come disrespect me"

and that's just not the case.

Women and men can express themselves however they'd like..

Even loving sex.

That is not an invitation to be disrespected.

- Ariana Grande -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

BEING A REAL MAN

Being a real man isn't measured on how sexy your abs are.

The more that it's not measured on the number of girls you had.

But definitely, it's about being able to value commitment, being responsible and being mature in dealing things.

Aren't you tired of your immature hook ups..?

Man up and grow up dude..!

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

BEING GIRL IS NOT EASY

Being a girl isn't easy.

You'll have uncontrollable mood swings, hormonal imbalance, period pains and you give birth.

So don't allow any man to add up to your struggles.

You had enough.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

PRAY

If you're in doubt and you feel bothered,

don't hesitate to call His name.

Open up all your burdens to Him and you'll feel better.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil