A Diary With Tears: January 2017

WOUND MIGHT HEAL BUT SCAR WON'T VANISH

The wound might heal yet the scar won't vanish.

It makes me sad seeing people suffer from heartaches because I know being on that stage of your life is not easy.

It's like battling to live while your heart is already dead.

Similar to pumping blood for your heart to keep it going and for you to stay alive.

But the overall scenario seems like trying to revive a fucking organ that has been stabbed ten thousand times.

Indeed, the aftermath of "separation anxiety" kills you to the point that you're no longer thrilled on the idea of living the life you have.

To the extent that you just want to lay in bed and let tears stream down on your cheeks.

It's deplorable that the only thing that knows your grief is the moon who peaks at your window seeing your silhouette at night.

So before y'all try to break someone's heart,

You should know that it is not easy going through shitty heartaches.

Some of these people whom hearts have been broken are not strong enough to endure the heartaches that they have been suffering.

The trauma you've caused is for lifetime and there will already be a gap when you try to fix each others' wounds.

Lastly, I've come to realize that the wound might heal yet the scar won't vanish and that's the saddest thing after all.

- R -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

IF YOUR GIRL MAKES AN EFFORT

Dear boys,
If your girl makes an effort to keep the relationship,
You should keep her.

If she does sweet gestures and efforts to make you happy,
You are so blessed.
Not all girls will do something like that.

If you have a girl who loves you more than the material things,
You should protect her heart.

If you already found the one worth all the love and sacrifices,
Don't take her for granted.

Genuine girls are hard to find.
You might regret it in the end.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

WHEN YOU STOP SHOWING EFFORT TO A GIRL

When you stop showing effort to a girl, that's when she'll start to think that you're not choosing her anymore.

That's when she'll be convinced that your heart's not in it anymore.

And that's when she'll believe that you aren't falling in love with her every day anymore because effort is everything to a girl.

Whether you've been with her for 2 months or 2 years,

Effort is something that she's always going to expect to see,

Because it's the kind of reassurance she needs for her to continue making an effort of her own because she can't be only one trying.

She can't be the only one wanting to make it work, and she can't be the only one giving it her all.

As a man, you should always be chasing her and making her feel like she's everything to you.

And no, that doesn't mean you always have to make some grand gesture to show her that you care.

But it's the little things that win her over.

Without effort, it just makes her feel like you're bored with her.

She's no longer making you happy and she's just not good enough for you.

And a girl can only feel that way for so long until she feels like you're not worth the effort anymore. Maybe it's because she would make such an effort to be with you and she would like to believe that you'd do the same for her.

But if you really did care about her, making an effort should be something that's natural.

And it shouldn't be difficult.

So if it is, then don't be surprised if that's how you're going to lose her and once you do, it would take even more of an effort to get her back.

- Teddy Nguyen -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

SOMETIMES, IT'S HARD TO BE YOU

In this world, if you wanted to be yourself, judgment will follow.

Stereotypes are everywhere.

If you have tattoos people will say that you are into drugs or you are a bad person.

If you wear sexy clothes, people will label you as a bitch.

If you have a lot of guy friends, people will think that you wanted to get laid.

If you have a lot of girl friends, people will think that you are gay.

Sometimes, it's just too hard to be happy.

It's too hard to be you.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

FORGIVE YOURSELF

Dear girl,

Forgiving him isn't how you start moving on.

Forgiving yourself is.

Forgive yourself for staying for as long as you did.

Forgive yourself for trying as hard as you did.

Forgive yourself for giving him as many chances as you did.

Forgive yourself for letting him have such control over you.

Forgive yourself for allowing him to hurt you.

Forgive yourself for not being able to see the kind of person he really is.

Forgive yourself for wasting time that you aren't going to get back.

Forgive yourself for making the effort he never fully appreciated you for.

Forgive yourself for handing back the pieces of your heart to him each time he broke it.

Forgive yourself for wanting to make it work so badly that you blocked out the idea of him being toxic for you.

Forgive yourself for refusing to let it go even though you had every reason to.

Forgive yourself for loving him more than you love yourself.

The hardest thing to do is forgiving yourself.

But you can't move on until you're at peace yourself and you stop hating yourself for everything you chose to put yourself through for him.

Once you forgive yourself, you'll be free.

- Teddy Nguyen -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THE GIRL WHO HAS HER HEART BROKEN

To the girl who has her heart broken,

He was cute right..?
So adorable.

The little things he did for you made your heart melt.

Forget about the butterflies, he gave you the whole god damn zoo.

You felt happy and satisfied.

But now he's gone and you feel so lost.

You don't know what to do.

You sit and look up his social media account to just find one new picture of him or a new piece of information about him.

Hell you stalk his mom, dad, uncle, everyone just to find something about him.

You still are not able to listen to "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade without crying.

At nights when you sit and stare at the walls, the whole of your relationship comes in front of your eyes.

Then one day he decides to message you.

Your heart leaps when you see that notification on your phone.

You reply to the message and a conversation starts with both of you catching up on each others life.

His life is very different now but you are just so glad he chose to tell you about it.

He tells you that he still loves you and thinks about you all the damn time.

When you hear this, your heart leaps with joy, you have tears in your eyes, you want to jump and say YES..!!!

Yes, you think about him all the time too.

Yes, you miss him.

Yes, seeing Ross and Rachel on TV makes you hope it was him and you.

But when something like this actually happens, I want you to STOP.

I want you to stop and think the following :-

Why did you guys break up..? What was the reason and do you think that reason has been sorted out..? Do you think its worth sorting out that reason anymore..?
Is he ready to accept the fact that you are a changed person now and not the one you were say 3 or 4 months back..? Does he show warmth to the fact that you have GROWN..?
Does he respect your emotions..? Does he acknowledge the fact that you are hurt and feeling low for a long ass period of time or is he just making fun of you so called "depressed state"..?
Is he talking to you because he wants to know how you are doing or just because he noticed some new guy commenting on some post of yours..? Was it curiosity about your life or that new guy..?
And most importantly ask yourself and think whether its worth to go through the entire process of emotionally investing yourself in the guy only to get hurt again.

Take those memories and put them carefully in the corner of your heart and move on.

Grow, learn and live life.

Don't wait for any message from anyone.

Don't hurt yourself more by seeing other people's life on social media, who knows if it's even true..?

Spend time with people who make you feel comfortable and loved and if not that then spend time with yourself.

And maybe one day someone else will come in your life.

Someone who will be nothing at all like your first love but someone totally new and magical and better.

Till that time..?

GROW and LOVE yourself because you are the source of magic in your life.

- Malavika Krishna -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

HALF-BAKED LOVE

I don't want a half-baked love.

I'm at the point in my life when realizations came sweeping me.
I came to realize that love is not about intimacy, but rather of consistency.

A love that sustains is what I'm in search for.

I don't want someone who only gives me butterflies on my tummy, but eventually leaves when I reach on my peak of emotions.

I don't want someone who holds my hand tight at the beginning, and loosen up when things went wrong at end.

I want someone who stays , not someone who plays.

I want a relationship, not just a mere hooked up.

I want someone who sees me as his "lifetime" , not just for "spare time"

I want someone who sees me as a choice, not just one of his options .

I want someone who "prays" with me, not someone who "preys" on me.

Because I want a love that lasts, a love that endures.
It may took long for me to find the one, but I rather wait than end up with regrets .

- I.M.P.A -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THE GUY WHO OPENED HER HEART AGAIN

To the guy who opened her heart again.

She used to be a big fan of first loves since that's what she has read on books and watched on movies.

Clearly, there is so much emphasis on every person's first love.

As what she used to believe, your first love should always be the last one too.

Little did she know, that idea is absolutely wrong in so many ways.

She got her heart broken by her first love and even told herself that she'd never love again.

And then you came in to her life.

You met each other and asked herself,

"Why not try again this time..? This thing might work out. You might be the one I have been waiting for all my life. You might save me from the depths of my agony and despair"

So she opened her heart for you.

She lowered the boundaries around her heart for you to be able to get in.

You pushed through the walls she used to protect herself because she had been hurt so badly before.

She let you in.

Now you're inside her heart.
She fell in love with you.
She had discovered that she has the ability to fall in love again after that soul-wrecking, gut-wrenching heartache she went through.

It's been a long time since she opened her heart to somebody else and it's been a while since she felt what love feels like.
It must be tough for her, starting all over again with a new lover - because that will really take time to let you know what her favorites are.
What she disgusts the most and to know more about her and that thing goes the same with her knowing everything about you, too.

You made her believe in second chances.
That everyone is worthy of it.
You made her believe in love again after her heart was crushed into tiny pieces.

She used to be broken but now here she is, loving you with all her might.
Because you taught her to fall in love again.
You made her put her first love aside, something she never imagined she would be able to do.

You brought her so much happiness, she never thought she would be able to feel again.
You made her laugh.
You made her want to be goofy and silly always.
You gave her that calm and warm feeling.
You gave her that roller coaster kind of feeling with that twists, turns, loop-de-loops, plummets, and uphill climbs - in other words, you made her feel how exhilarating and exciting it is to fall inlove again.

You made her stop believing that all guys would treat her bad and break her heart.
It is so easy to believe all guys are the same.
It is easy to believe because that is her way of protecting herself from being hurt again.
Her defense mechanism, perhaps.

You may not be her first love, first date, first kiss, and etc, but she will make you feel like you are her firsts in everything and that she is the firsts in your everything, too.
Like, making you feel like you just fell in love for the first time.

It must be really tough for her before.
But now, she is eternally grateful that you bumped into her life.
You helped her see the wonders of falling in love again.

She stopped believing in fairy tales, thinking that these were just nasty childhood stories that made us think happily ever afters do exist.
Yet now, here she is starting to believe at it again, hoping that you are each other's happily ever after.

You changed her perspective about first loves.
It is not the one that matters the most.
But it is actually the one who opens your heart again and in her case, that is absolutely you, her second and most importantly, her best love.

-Meigan Dannielle -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

HARDEST KIND OF BREAKUP

Hardest kind of breakup,

When you finally found someone who completes you like no one else does.
When someone just fits the gaps between your fingers perfectly and someone who makes you feel like home.

And you both just love each other madly,

That you both can't get enough of each other's hug and comfort.

His presence just makes you feel good and can't stop giving love signs even he is far in distance.

The little surprises that make you smile for days and late night talks that keep you boosted to face anything.

He makes you laugh harder and smile wider.

Been there at your best and loved you at your worst.

And probably the only person enjoys making you laugh and admires it.

Life talks which didn't bore the both of you, signified this is the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with.

You finally knew you found someone you will never want to lose in your life and that person is definitely your soulmate.

And then there comes a storm where you both are not blessed to be together for some reasons.

Hearts shattered, dreams crushed.

Where would you go..?

What should you do..?

Lost and clueless.

And you realize love doesn't only need both of your acceptance but it includes the universe's acceptance as well.

Love wasn't only about you and him.

It did need the approval of the people you are surrounded with, your family, close knits etc.

Here comes in a flash of whys and what ifs everything falls into its place.

What does it take to be worthy to the universe..?

And you felt like a failure.

As the time approaches,
You have to let go of your loved one for the sake of the people you are surrounded with.

Drained and died without knowing how to save your relationship.

Tears fall as you watch them slip off your hands and you are helpless.

A beautiful love story ended just like that..?

Yes as sad it may sound, it would be deadly facing it.

There will be pieces of each other in your daily thoughts and actions.

Moving on wasn't easy as he is engraved in your blood, breath, and heart.

Missing him was part of your life.

Everyday, every time, all you do is wondering what if you both were accepted by the universe.

At the end of the day, all you have is little hope that someday you both will be united and accepted.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

RELATIONSHIPS ONLY GET BORED WHEN

Let's get something perfectly clear, okay..?

Relationships only get boring when someone isn't trying anymore.

Relationships only get boring when someone isn't putting in as much effort as before.

Relationships only get boring when someone's heart isn't in it like it used to be.

Relationships only get boring when someone is starting to outgrow you.

Relationships only get boring when someone has gotten too comfortable and too complacent.

Relationships only get boring when someone constantly argues with you over every little thing.

Relationships only get boring when someone has met someone else who made them wish they were single again.

Relationships only get boring when someone is no longer afraid to lose you.

Relationships only get boring when someone is slowly getting to the point where they can see a life without you.

Relationships only get boring when someone doesn't feel the need to fight for you any longer.

Relationships only get boring when someone has fallen out of love.

So if you think your relationship has gotten boring,

That's because you're the one who's still paying attention,

Who's still emotionally invested,

And who's still wanting to make it work.

The thing is, you're the only one and somewhere along the way,

You've already lost them.

Relationships only get boring when someone has given up, and that's something you need to understand.

- Teddy Nguyen -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THE GIRL WHO'S NEVER BEEN INTO A RELATIONSHIP

To the girl who's never been into a relationship,

Do not feel pressured that everyone is in a relationship already.

It's not a competition.

It's not a race.

Do not force a relationship to happen.

Do not settle for less just to have one.

True love comes to those who wait.

There's no need to rush.

Love when you're ready not because you're just envious of your friends.

Do not feel bad about yourself.

Someday, someone will love your wholeness.

Someone will treat you like you're one of the best things that happened to him.

For now, chase your dreams and be a better person.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

LOVE YOURSELF MORE

No one is going to love you exactly like you imagine.
No one is ever going to read your mind and take every star from the sky at the perfect time and hand it to you.
No one is going to show up at your door on a horse, with a shoe you lost.

Do you understand..?
That's why you love yourself enough, so that any other love just adds more candles to the cake you've already iced.

- Stephanie Bennett - Henry -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

NO MATTER HOW

No matter how beautiful you are someone will still cheat on you.
No matter how loyal you are, somebody will still take you for granted.
No matter how educated you are, somebody will still leave you.
No matter who you are, people will still do something that you will not expect because people don't have the same heart as you do.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

SINGLE ISN'T UGLY

Being single doesn't mean that you are ugly.

It's just that the right person is yet to come.

While being single, chase your dreams and love yourself more.

So, when the time comes, you are now ready to share a part of you.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

PAMPER ME WITH FOOD

To the person who pampers me with food,

Thank you so much for accepting me even if I eat a lot.
For still loving me even if gained a lot of weight.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally even if I keep on demanding food.
Thank you so much for our food trips and all.

You're my eating buddy, my best friend and my one and only.

To more calories we eat..!

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

YOU ARE JUST BEING HUMAN

Do not force yourself to move on.

Do not lie to yourself that you already do.

Do not fake and pretend to be strong.

Cry until no tears come out of your eyes.

Grief until it hurts mo more.

It's okay to feel vulnerable.

It's okay to feel weak.

You are just being human.

Most importantly, soon enough you will be okay.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

A GIRL WHO IS

Girls who read books are totally a big turn on.

A girl who widens her horizon is so beautiful.

A girl who is well informed is sexy.

A girl who is smart is completely amazing.

A girl who talks with sense and who fights for her ideologies is so worth it.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

OVER YOU..!

Once I'm totally over you, there's no turning back.

Once I'm totally done with you, don't expect that I will still care.

Once I have moved on, you'll just remain a memory forever.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

I WILL DO MY BEST

We don't know what the future holds.

But, I'll do my best to be the best boyfriend you'll ever have.

I'm certainly not perfect.

There might be times that you feel like I'm taking you for granted.

I'm really sorry if you feel that way.

There might be times that I disappoint you, thank you for understanding.

We still have a long way to go, no promises, but I am just here to love, protect and respect you.

If I'll have to live on another life, I'll still choose you.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THE GIRL WHO HAD ENOUGH

To the girl who had enough,

She's so tired of extending her patience.

She's so tired of trying not to let go.

She's so tired of being the second option.

She's so tired of being taken for granted.
She's so tired of understanding.
She's so tired of all the excuses.

She's so tired of hearing the same reasons again.
But now she's so ready to love herself again.

To fix her shattered heart and be the best version of herself.

She's so ready to let go even if it kills her inside.

Even if it'll hurt her so badly.

She has to, because it's already very toxic.

It's very suffocating.

Her bravery is to be reckoned.

She's now ready to look forward on what life has in store for her..!

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

YOU NEED TO GO THROUGH THE BAD TIMES

You need to fall in love with the wrong people.

You need to be attracted to the worst kind of people.

You need to get attached to toxic people.

You need to be lied to a bunch of times.

You need to feel like you're being cheated on by what feels like everybody you come across.

You need to find out that, that person you want already wants someone else.

You need to be told by someone you see potential in that they only want to be friends with you.

You need to have your expectations in people be met with disappointment time after time.

You need to have those days where you don't feel like you're good enough.

You need to have those moments where you just wanna break down and cry.

You need to give bad people chances so that they can help you realize that this isn't what you want. You need to be in bad relationships and have bad break ups.

You need to have your trust shattered over and over.

You need to have your heart broken again and again.

You need to go through all of that so that when the right one finally comes along, you can say,

"This is how it's supposed to feel"

and you would be able to appreciate how everything you've been through has led you up to this happiness that will last.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

KEEP HOLDING ON

I understand how rough things are right now.

I just want to let you know that things will get better, I promise.

Keep holding on just a little bit longer.

I know you feel like nobody really cares.

You're wrong, stop denying it.

I care, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this.

You're not alone, we may be miles away but we're all going through the same things.

Please keep holding on.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

BAD RELATIONSHIP IS A BAD RELATIONSHIP

So many people stay stuck in a horrible or unloving relationship for the sad sake they are afraid of change or being alone.

A bad relationship is a bad relationship, even if there are some good moments.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

DON'T CHASE SOMEBODY LIKE A DOG

Dear you reading this,

Yes you love him, but please love yourself more.

You have been replaced, but you still chase after him.

That's pure stupidity sweetheart..!

Your life won't end if he's gone.

You have to rebuild yourself.

Chase your dreams.

Be the best version of yourself.

You deserve better for sure.

You still have your family and friends.

One thing for sure, everything will be fine.

You are more than someone who chases somebody like a dog.

You are a princess remember that..!

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

NOBODY IS PERFECT

Never leave a relationship for a few faults.

Nobody is perfect and nobody is correct all the time.

No one will give you the perfect love.

There is no such thing as perfect relationship.

In the end, affection is always greater than perfection.

Simply put, when you love someone, they become your reason.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

NO MATTER HOW

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

GOD FIXES THE BROKEN HEART

Some people are sent into our lives to make us realize that human beings.
No matter how much they promise, you are going to let you down one day.
But God, He will remain with you every step of your life and His promises are true.

After all, how many times have the people broken your heart and how many times has God fixed it for you, again and again..?

Don't hate those who lied to you, cheated and betrayed you.
It will teach you how to rely on God and expect less from creation.
They will be answerable for their deeds and you will be accountable for your deeds.
Forgive them and leave everything to God.
He is just made for you.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil