PEOPLE CAN BREAK US

That people can break us.
And it's even scarier that it's possible to break us in a beautiful way — in the most beautiful, even. 


By making us feel special.
With all words but only occasional actions.
By making us think we're their everything, and then nothing all of a sudden — sometimes at the same time.


The scariest part of it all, if you think of it, is that they could ruin us in the most beautiful way there is, to the point that repairing ourselves would feel strange.
And then we stop trying.


We stop fighting for ourselves.
We settle.
We start doubting ourselves.
We lose sight of the silver lining altogether.


And then we just go back, because it's familiar, because it's easier.
And then we just let it be; we stay, to go through it over and over again.
Probably a hundred times more than the last time.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

WHEN A MAN REALLY LOVES YOU

Trust me, when a man really loves you he will take random photos of you.
He will love every small detail about you.
He will appreciate all the small things about you.


How you chew your food, how you blow your nose, how you hum and dance while listening to your favorite song,
How you smile when he says something cute about you, how solemnly you pray about the goals that you aspire for,
How you mess your bed by eating chips at 12 and how hyper and enthusiastic you are every time you go out of town and have dinner together.


I know you get insecure sometimes.
There are days you think you are ugly, fat, messed up and hard to love but best believe when a man really loves you he will accept all those flaws and tell you that there's no need to be perfect, because he loves you and he finds you amazing together with all those imperfections and everything that comes with it.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

AS I GREW OLDER

As I grew older, I started to become more selective with the people I hang out with.
At this point in my life, I only want to spend time with people who uplift me and who give off positive vibes.
People who care for me and people who make me happy.


I learned that you become who you surround yourself with so I chose to be surrounded with positive people because I don't need any more negativity in my life.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TIMING

Trust the timing of everything.
Just because it's not happening right now it doesn't mean it never will.
Be patient enough and prepare yourself so when the right time comes, you are ready for it.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

OVERCOME THOSE DOUBTS

It feels good to have a partner who reassures you of their feelings whenever you're having doubts and trust issues.
They know that you tend to overthink and it's okay because their job is to help you overcome those doubts instead of adding to them.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY

It happens.
Just when you thought things couldn't get any better, someone comes along and turns everything around.
Just when you thought that your greatest love has slipped away, this person suddenly enters your life and completely redefines everything you ever believed in when it comes to loving someone.


You know deep down inside you that this is it.
This is what you've been waiting for all along.
This is the answer to all the prayers that you've spent so many nights kneeling and asking God for.
And after all of the failed relationships, the untimely second chances, and the unfulfilled promises, it feels so damn good to finally be with the right person after years and years of trying for the wrong one.


She makes you so feel so much better about yourself and she inspires you to be the best version of you.
She gives you reasons to look forward to every mornings and she perfectly compliments your personality.


When you're with her, everything starts to make sense.
She expressively shows her support in every major decision of your life.
She's your beacon of happiness and her influence on you is so positive that you wonder where she'd been after all these years.


You take a moment to look back and the resentment and anger from your past is now gone..
Truth be told, you're grateful.
You feel a sense of thankfulness not because you're no longer with your ex, but because it taught you a lot of important life lessons.


Lessons that only heartbreak will teach and lessons that only failed second chances will ever make you realize.
Lessons that prepared you for this rare, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity because now you're more mature.


Now you're more understanding.
Now you're more patient.
And now, you're more capable of being in a relationship.


I wholeheartedly believe that people come and go into our lives with very different purposes..
Some teach us to be strong for ourselves.
Some teach us to be strong for other people.
Some teach us to live with the heartbreak and some teach us that there is life after heartbreak.


The past is now clear and the future is even clearer.
You feel that the pieces have finally fallen into place and you couldn't ask for more.
I do believe that when you're with the right person, you'll know it, you'll see it, and you'll feel it.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

MOVE FORWARD

There are some things that you can't bring back because it's done.
It's over.


You learn, you grow, and you move forward.
Don't spend your time looking back when you have so many things to look forward to.


Focus on investing your time, effort, and energy into being better each day because you can't control your past, but you can control your future.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

LOSING YOURSELF

The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much that you've forgotten you are special too.
Learn to manage your emotions and always remind yourself that you are valuable and worth it as well.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

Long distance relationships are hard.
Really hard.
And not everybody truly understands that.


There are more reasons to fight, more reasons to argue, and more reasons to stress.
You have to put in twice as much effort, twice as much patience, and twice as much trust in order to make it work.


The distance, however, gives those couples a reason to love harder than regular couples do.
Regular couples get to we each other whenever they want, while long distance couples have to wait long periods of time to see each other.


And when they do, it's only for a short period of time as well.
And when it's time to leave, that's the worst part about it all because you don't want to leave, it hurts to leave, knowing it'll be awhile until you see that person again.


So every moment those couples spend together matter.
They don't take holding hands, long hugs and kisses for granted.


What's amazing is that although these couples are far apart from each other most of the time, there's no one they feel closer to than that person and that's how you know it's real and pure love.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THE ONE WHO LEFT ME

To the one who left me in the midst of the pouring rain,
I want to say that I am still grateful for having me this kind of affliction and for being one of the reason why I'm a better person now; for being the concrete proof why I had already known my worth. 


You made me feel that fate brought us here together and yes, we collide on each other's galaxies not to form our own universe but just to be a dust particle; crestfallen and a form of nonentity.


And now I'm throwing away all those nostalgic memories—forgiving you for all of the things you've caused me as how I forgive myself for letting you foray all throughout my senses.


All of those verdicts might bring desolation to me, but I won't let anything and anyone again to make me feel that I am just a piece of trash.


Seeing myself fragmented is such a devastation, but starting now, I will cherish the brokenness and embrace all of my flaws, and I am going to love myself more than I am going to love someone as I did before.


After all these melancholic scenes, I will yield all verses of my chapters, pick myself up, and that will be the time that I'm going to understand why there are some people who are not meant to stay, and will just leave us along the way.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

A REAL MAN

A real man only lies to his woman when he's about to surprise her.


Keep your word, don't make promises, be responsible with her feelings, and let your actions do the talking.


Boys make promises.
Real men make commitments.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

REJECTIONS

Rejections teach us to be humble.
It sends us a message that while we won't always get what we want in life.


We'll be able to achieve most of our dreams if we remain patient and work hard consistently.
You will be successful as long as you keep trying. 


Just remember to be humble and let the results speak for themselves.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

EFFORTS

Effort doesn’t mean buying her human-size teddy bears, taking her to an expensive restaurant or surprising her with bouquets of flowers waiting on your car.
Those things are good but realest girls are not attracted to that.


Best believe, she’ll be happier when you write her hand-written letters.
When you buy her a single rose.
When you let her wear your hoodies.
When you make her a cup of coffee.
When you tuck her baggy pants.
When you show her off every time you have the chance.


It should come with consistency and sincerity.
Effort doesn’t have to be a grand gesture.
Trust me, it’s the small things that truly matter.


- Prince Umpad -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

YOU LOST HER

She is that kind of girl that will do anything for love, even if it hurts her even if you're a toxic person she wouldn't mind that, because she is a warrior she fights for love.
She will make you smile in your deepest and darkness moment, she will guide you to the path of ever lasting love.


She will make you forget all the heartaches from the past.
She will teach you how to appreciate the value of love, friendship, she's your partner in crime, food buddy, human pillow, gaming partner, travel buddy, and many more things.
She will make you feel that you are the greatest gift of her life.


Some say that if you love someone it will become your other half.
But she is different she will make you her whole life.
Her world will turn around you and only you.


You will be her first priority.
You will become everything to her.
She will tell you everything about her.


From her scars all around her body, childhood memories, her life goals (also you are part of it wedding, family, kids and grand kids, cars, places she want to travel, what kind of house does she want).
You will know her more than anyone could ever do and you should be thankful.


She will always surprise you with her efforts.
Every single day she will do something crazy that will make you fall for her even more.


She's willing to sacrifice her own happiness just to give you one.
And she's the kind of girl that you will never get to be with again, why?
You lost her.


- Online Confessions -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

LOVE WITHOUT EXPECTATION

Here is how you love without expectation :-


You love yourself first.
Not necessarily most or best, but first.


You don’t cancel plans that you were excited about because somebody else wanted your time.
You don’t rearrange your schedule to accommodate a person who may bail at the last moment anyway.


You are strict with yourself – even when you want to give in to the impulses of others – because you know that what you want and what you need is not always the same thing.
You need someone you can rely on and that person has to be you.
At the end of the day, if everyone else bails and flakes and fails to show, you will still be there.


So don’t look at yourself as a sad consolation prize.
Put in the work.
Become someone you’re proud of.


If you’re who you’re left with at the end of the day, be happy with who you’ve ended up with.
Make sure it’s someone you’d pick over a flakey, unreliable love interest or friend.


To love without expectation, you choose honesty in your own endeavors.
If you don’t want games, you stop playing them.


You text back.
You show up.
You say what you mean and you don’t make time for maybes.


In a world full of dishonest people, you choose not to become one of them, even if that makes you lose a foolish game or two.
Like attracts like and if you’re looking for straightforward, no-nonsense people, you will have to become one.


So you wean out a few losers on the way there.
So what.
You’re becoming who you want to be.


To love without expectation, you show compassion.
You remember the times when you’ve lied and cheated and fell short of the expectations other people set for you, and you forgive yourself for them.
You understand that you had a liability but you did not live up to it and while you may not be okay with your choices, there was a reason why the cards fell the way that they did.


You remember that reason.
You remember that other people may have similar reasons when they let you down – reasons that have nothing to do with you at all.


You learn to detach from your personal investment in why people do what they do, because chances are it doesn’t exist.
You understand that you have infinitely less to do with other people’s actions than you’ve always believed.
And you learn to be fine with that.
Learn to be free within it, even.


To love without expectation, you learn what’s not in your control.
You understand that everyone has their own demons and nobody owes it to you to fight them.


At the end of the day, you have two choices in love – one is to accept someone just as they are and the other is to walk away.


There is no in between.
There is no bartering, bargaining, expecting and falling short in love.
There is just choosing to be there or to not.


Anything in between is a tired, self-interested excuse for love.
To love without expectation, you learn to appreciate what’s there.


Other people are not ours to own or rearrange or expect things from and the more anticipation we pit onto others, the more we let ourselves down in the end.


All we can do is appreciate who we have when we have them, and let them go when we do not.
To lend our hearts like vacant hotel rooms ; celebrating others when they come in and letting them go when they leave.


Understanding that at the end of the day, all we can do is refuse occupancy. But we cannot force anyone to stay.


To love without expectation, you have to be okay with yourself.
Okay with opening your doors, spreading your arms, baring your heart and understanding that not everyone is going to be gentle with it.


You have to know that you can recover from those aches, that you can heal your own wounds, that you can trust yourself to walk away from the situations that do not grow or aid you.


Because here’s the thing about placing expectations on others : at the root of expectation is need.
Need for others to accept you, to validate you, to tell you that you’re good and worthwhile and strong.


And if you can do that for yourself – if you can live up to your own expectations and desires, then the need for other people to do so disappears.
The need to bend over backwards, to accommodate others, to seek validation from those who do not deserve your heart, disappears.


Who to love and who to leave becomes simple.
And expectation slides out the window.

- Thought Catalog -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

PEOPLE LEAVE

People leave so you learn how to let go.
You believe lies so you can distinguish what is true and what is not.


Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right.
And sometimes, good things fall apart so that better things can come together.


Always remember that everything happens for a reason and that reason is to help you learn very important life lessons.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

ALIF, SETAHUN 3 BULAN

17 haribulan ni, genap umur Alif 1 tahun 3 bulan.
Dah pandai berlari.
Ligat dia tu, jenuh nak kejo.


Sekarang ni dia baru nak belajar bercakap.
Kadang-kadang, macam reti pula menyahut.
Bila ditanya, "Mahmudi nak makan ke?"
Dia pun jawab, "Heh"


Bab panjat memanjat memang nombor satu.
Nak jadi Spiderman gamaknya.
Bab selongkar barang, dialah heronya.


Setiap minggu wajib bawa dia keluar.
Supaya dia kenal orang sekeliling dia.
Supaya dia tak takut dengan orang.


Kalau jarang bawa keluar, mulalah menangis bila jumpa orang.
Walaupun orang tu family sendiri.
Sekarang dia dah okay sikit berbanding dulu.


Kalau dulu, waktu jarang-jarang bawa dia keluar rumah ni, memang kerja dia nak berkepit je dengan aku.
Orang ambil je dia, merengek-rengek nangis.


Sekarang ni, kalau anak-anak buah jaga pun dia okay.
Lagi seronok kalau ada orang dukung dia, bawa dia jalan-jalan.


Anak-anak buah aku baik yang lelaki mahupun perempuan, semuanya suka budak-budak.
Jadi, bila pergi mana-mana je, diorang la yang jaga Alif.
Termasuklah tidur.
Alif tidur dengan diorang.


Diorang cuma akan bagi Alif pada aku jika Alif lapar nak susu je.
Anak lelaki ni buas dia semacam.
Memang penat jaga.


Aku tak tau la anak perempuan lebih behave ke apa.
Sebab takde pengalaman lagi.
Orang tua-tua la selalu cakap macam tu.
Belum lagi time menyusu.
Macam-macam gaya kuak lentang berirama ada.


Kalau orang tengok pun, pelik betul gaya anak aku ni menyusu.
Gaya macam kambing tonggeng-tonggeng pun ada.
Kalau dia menyusu baring atas aku pula, kaki dia dekat muka aku 😑😑


For now, cukup seorang je la.
Tunggu 10 tahun lagi baru fikir.
Lagi pun, lepas Alif ni dah besar sikit, dah boleh fikir baik buruk, boleh la aku rest sat.
Rest dari kepenatan jaga budak.
Tapi tu la, bila dah makin besar ni, makin rindu kebuasan dia.


Kalau dulu dia selalu buat bunyi ayam nyaring dia tu, sekrang takde dah.
Kalau dulu, Alif selalu buat bunyi motor setiap kali dia tengah bermain, sekarang tak ada dah bunyi-bunyi tu.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

KAWAN-KAWAN

Teringat waktu dalam berpantang dulu.
Kak Bie dan adiknya melawat aku.
Kawan-kawan sekolah aku pun ada yang datang melawat aku dan Alif.


Banyak juga la membawang dengan Kak Bie.
Waktu pantang tu la, Kak Bie bagi kad jemputan.
Bagitau yang dia nak kahwin.


Adik Kak Bie ada yang belajar di AIM.
Adik dia cerita yang Ustaz Khai still ada tanya pasal aku dengan Kak Bie.


Teringat dulu lepas habis belajar sana, ustaz ada text personal, just in case kalau aku ingat dia dalam 4 5 tahun akan datang, contact la dia.
Aku cuma anggap tu peringatan supaya aku tak lupa jasa guru.
Walaupun pernah je ditawarkan untuk menjadi madu.
Hahaha.

Macam-macam.
Dulu kami masih berperangai macam budak-budak.
Tak matang.


Well, orang kata perempuan memang sentiasa kanak-kanak.
Aku akui sampai sekarang aku ni tak matang pun.
Macam budak-budak.


Di mata kawan-kawan perempuan, diorang ingat aku cool 😎, relax walaupun dalam keadaan panik.
Hakikatnya, aku punya gabra, clumsy diorang tak nampak lagi 😂


Tu semua zaman budak-budak.
Masing-masing dah dewasa sekarang.
Yang perempuan pun ramai yang dah kahwin.
Yang lelaki yang dahulunya tak matang pun, dah ramai yang dah mendirikan rumahtangga.


Cuma budak sebilik aku je yang ramai tak kahwin lagi.
Masing-masing dengan kerjaya masing-masing.


Ada yang baru lepas grad.
Yang dah kahwin Kak Bell, Kak Bie, Jiha, Zinnierah (aku tak rapat dengan dia - budak ISMA).


Tapi dalam banyak-banyak ni, yang aku rajin mesej pun Tirah je.
Ada je benda nak berceloteh.
Tunang Tirah, Najmi meninggal.
Pada hari yang sama aku bertunang dulu.


Serba salah waktu tu.
Nak happy sangat pun ada kawan tengah sedih.
Tapi takde la happy mana pun.
Aku rasa biasa je walaupun saat tu cuma one step closer.


Lepas tu, kawan sekolah aku pula datang melawat aku.
Aku rapat dengan dia since form 3.
Anis Adibah namanya.
Dia cikgu.


Tak sangka Diba dah kahwin.
Sebab Diba ni di antara perempuan yang tak rapat dengan lelaki.
Biasa la.
Time tu sekolah lagi.


Nak rapat-rapat buat apa.
Takde faedah.
Kawan sekelas aku pun ramai yang dah kahwin.


Yang dah ada anak pun ada juga.
Semua dah bermastautin di tempat orang.
Apa-apa pun aku happy untuk kawan-kawan aku 😊

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

LATA BAYU, BALING

Semalam bersaman 11 Februari 2019 kami berkelah di Lata Bayu, Baling.
Kami bercadang untuk bertolak sesudah subuh iaitu pada jam 7 pagi.
Jadi, pada jam 5.30 pagi aku dah keluar dari rumah.


Cadangnya tunggu di Pokok Sena.
Jarak dari Alor Setar ke Pokok Sena ialah 20 kilometer.
Kami tiba di Pokok Sena, tepat-tepat pada azan subuh.
Jadi, kami terus ke masjid.
Sebelum ke masjid, singgah di 7 Eleven yang terletak bersebelahan dengan masjid.


Aku pun pergi solat berjemaah.
Eh tak la.
Tak solat jemaah pun.
Waktu aku ambil wudhu' imam dah rakaat kedua.


Biasalah perempuan bila ambil wudhu'.
Nak kena buka handsocks, stokin, tudung, purdah.
Ambil wudhu' lepas tu hadap cermin.


Tengah hadap cermin tu, belek muka.
Kot ada jerawat ke blackhead ke whitehead je.
Picit-picit dulu apa yang patut sampai berbekas.
Bila dah berbekas mulalah detik penyesalan,
"Ahhh menyesal aku picit muka aku. Kan dah buruk!"

Belum lagi tetiba datang rasa nak membuang tapi masih lagi boleh fikir sama ada nak membuang atau nak teruskan menyimpan.


Itulah perempuan.
Complicated!
Sampai aku sendiri pun tak faham perangai perempuan ni cemana.


Aku solat bergilir-gilir.
Mula-mula aku solat, then suami aku pula.
Tukar-tukar untuk jaga anak.




Aku tunggu di pondok masjid ni bersama anak aku.
Time ni aku dah solat.
u Tengah tunggu suami aku pulak.


Lepas solat pergi minum pula.
Ya la, sebelum keluar rumah tu aku dah makan banyak dah.
Bukan makan dah, tapi dah dikira tahap melantak.


Orang kata kalau dah kahwin, mana makanan isteri yang tak habis dimakan, suami akan tolong habiskan.
Tapi tu la, aku punya portion nasi pun 2 orang makan, nasi suami aku pun aku tolong habiskan.


Lepas makan stress.
Takut gemuk.
Lepas stress, badan naik, gemuk.
Bila gemuk, stress lagi.
Pastu makan banyak-banyak balik.
Diulang-ulang scene sebegitu sampai bila-bila.


Tapi kan, ada sebab tau kenapa perempuan kuat makan.
Perempuan kuat makan sebab memang dia suka makan la.
Takkan itu pun aku nak kena ajo.


Lepas selesai solat, kami pergi minum.
Minum je la.
Kan dah kenyang makan tadi.


Tengah syok melayan perasaan sambil menangis waktu minum tu, tetiba anak buah aku call.
Katanya diorang dah tunggu dekat kedai.


Aku apa lagi.
Terus membuat pecutan terakhir dalam acara menyedut milo ais.
Lepas minum, terus chow dari kedai mak cik tu.
Silap tak beli nasi lemak daun pisang untuk dibawa sekali.


Sampai di kedai, semua dah ada.
Diorang ambil barang di kedai.
Makanan dan lain-lain barang.
Briefing sekejap pastu gerak.


Budak-budak ni aku rasa semua tak mandi.
Masing-masing memang nampak macam tak mandi je rupanya.
Hahaha.


Kononnya nak gerak pukul 7 pagi, lastly jadi 8.30 pagi.
Haa tepuk!


Perjalanan dari Alor Setar ke Baling dalam 104 kilometer.
Lebih 2 marhalah.
Jadi boleh jamak.


Alif tidur je la dalam kereta.
Kami pun memulakan perjalanan.
Oh ya, selain kami, ada lagi satu family yang ikut sekali.
Iaitu family pekerja kakak ipar aku.


Dia ada anak seorang.
Sebaya Alif.
Cuma Alif tua sebulan sahaja dari anak dia.
Anak aku dijaga oleh anak-anak buah aku.
Pergi balik diorang jaga.


Dalam jam 10 pagi macam tu, kami sampai di Lata Bayu, Baling, Kedah.
Boleh tahan jauh.
Memang set perjalanan dalam 2 jam pergi.


Ni betul-betul dekat parking lot.

Mengikut Al Fadhil Ustaz Google Ibn Almarhum As Safari via Iphone, dia kata Lata Bayu ni ada facilities yang lengkap.
Suami aku kata tempat ni di bawah pengelolaan kerajaan negeri.


Tak expect tinggi pun la bila di bawah penjagaan kerajaan ni.
Especially ialau tempat rekreasi macam ni.
Katanya ada toilet, surau, bilik persalinan, chalet , gerai makanan dan parking lot yang luas.
Dalam banyak-banyak facilities yang ada, aku rasa yang betul-betul elok pun gerai makanan dengan parking je la.


Port berkelah kami dekat atas sekali tu.
Bapak tinggi gila.
Aku bawa backpack dan dukung Alif untuk naik ke atas tu.
Suami aku pula, bawa beg macam beg balik kampung tu bersama dengan sleeping bag.


Dah la tinggi mencanak port nak berkelah tu.
Dengan beg yang berat lagi.
Bayangkan kalau aku bawak almari naik ke atas tu.
Kakak ipar aku yang sakit lutut tu pun gagah naik ke atas sana nun.


Tapi tu la.
Dalam backpack 🎒 aku tu pun benda merapu yang aku bawa.
Ada headphones 🎧 dan siap ada adaptor phone.
Dah kenapalah aku bawak adaptor tu ke sungai?


Ke aku fikir aku boleh cucuk adaptor tu dekat pokok tu lalu ianya akan menjadi janakuasa hidroelektrik?
Ni nasib baik suami aku tak tahu aku bawak menatang tu.
Kalau tak, habis ke tahun depan dia menganjing aku.


Port kita orang nak berkelah tu terletak di seberang sungai dari tempat kita orang naik.
Aku memang tak expect nak kena meredah sungai yang sungguh dalam.
Dah la aku tak bawa baju spare apa pun.


Nasib baik la aku pakai kasut sukan cap Adidas.
Kalau dibuatnya aku pakai kasut boots 👢?
Jenuh aku.
Dah la bertumit bagai.
Habis berlemuih, kotor kasut aku yang tak kena majlis tu.


Jadi, aku bagi Alif pada suami aku sebab suami aku dah selamat menyeberang sungai tu.
Aku di sini menunggu dan di sana masih menanti.
Ewah!


First, aku simpan henfon dalam backpack 🎒
Aku tak nak la henfon aku jatuh dalam sungai.
Nanti rosak satu hal pulak aku stress nanti makan lagi banyak pulak.


Aku tanggal kasut dan bagi pada suami aku.
Aku seberang pakai stokin je.
Takut licin.
Tahu je lah batu sungai.
Kadang-ladang berlumut.
Licin.


Dalam juga sungai tu.
Had betis.


Berlemuih seluar aku.
Dah la pakai warna putih.
Nak jadikan pakaian solat pun rasa serba salah.
Pasal tak bersih.


Tapi aku ada terbaca satu hadis.
Kisah perempuan lalui pasar yang berbecak.
Lepas tu, Nabi SAW kata lalukan air pada kesan becak tu dan boleh solat macam biasa.


Okay, sampai je di port berkelah tu, ada la pondok kecik.
Pondok cendawan tu la.
Terus bentangkan tikar.
Ada yang tidur, berehat.
Ada yang pergi merayap tengok sekeliling.


Kata nak terjun pagi-pagi.
Hmmm, sembianggggggg!
Masing-masing sejuk.


Alif dari pagi tidur.
Lepas je dia bangun tidur, dia nampak sungai terus nak terjun.
Laju je dia pergi.


Dia memang suka main air.
Waktu di rumah pun, kalau ajak dia mandi, dialah yang paling excited sekali.
Nak mandi lagak macam budak kecik.
Nak mandi dalam bathtub baby tu.


Kalau tak bagi, dia nak masuk dalam baldi.
Kalau buka shower 🚿, lagilah dia suka.
Dengan senangnya dia berdiri bawah shower dan mandi macam orang besar.
Dia pergi basuh rambut dia, basuh badan.
Tak payah susah-susah nak mandikan dia.


Cuma kenalah perhatikan dia.
Budak kecik kan.
Air ni memang dia anggap mainan dia.
Dia tak tau lagi bahayanya cemana.


Opps! Dah off topic jauh sangat ni.
Okay, back to our main topic.


Lepas bentang tikar, aku terus baringkan anak aku atas tikar.
Bagi dia tidur.
Tak nak la bagi dia mandi pagi-pagi sangat.
Sejuk.


Tunggu tengah hari sikit baru mandi.
Mandi di bawah sinaran matahari.
Supaya tak terlalu sejuk.
Tapi bila dia bangun tidur.
Tudiaaaaa!
Terkinja-kinja nak main air.



First time mandi sungai.
Time ni nak cuci muntut dia.
Ingatkan dia berak.
Rupanya tak berak pun.


Tu pun kalau ikutkan hati dia, tak nak orang pegang tangan tu.
Nak main sendiri-sendiri.
Ambooooi!


Lepas mandi seround, Alif dijaga oleh kakak ipar aku dan anak buah perempuan aku.


Bersama anak buah aku. Makan mangga.

Bersama kakak ipar aku

Time ni dah siap tukar pampers.
Dah sejuk menggigil.
Lepas tu, dia pun tidur.


Lena dah!

Sejuk.
Cukuplah berpampers je.
Haha.


Time ni dah jam 1 tengah hari, time untuk lunch.
Kakak ipar aku yang masak semuanya.
Masak gulai ikan (kari ikan), ayam masak hitam, sambal belacan dan sedikit ulam-ulaman.
Makan sampai kenyang.


Lepas makan, aku terasa nak ke tandas.
Unfortunately, tandas tutup dan berkunci.
Jarak dari port kami ke tandas dalam 700 meter.
Pergi-pergi tutup.


Anak-anak buah aku 5 orang dekat bawah nak pergi toilet.
Diorang tegur aku tanya aku nak pergi mana.
Aku cakap la nak ke tandas.
Diorang kata tandas kunci lagi.
Aku pun naik atas balik.


Waktu nak naik tu, aku berselisih dengan madu kepada kakak ipar aku yang juga ingin ke tandas.
Aku kabo dah tandas tutup.
Pastu, tak tahu la dia pergi ke mana.


Aku teruskan naik ke atas.
Nampak dah suami aku.
Aku ingat dia nak bebel pada aku sebab aku turun ke tandas seorang diri tanpa beritahu dia terlebih dahulu.
Tapi dia tahu aku memang nak buang air.


Rupanya, sampai je dekat tangga yang nak didaki ni, dia dok menganjing aku terjelir-jelir sambil bernafas.
Dia ejek aku sebab aku ni kan cepat mengah.
Kuang hasam.


Lepas aku sampai di port kami tu, aku berehat kejap.
Terus ambil telekung dan terus ke surau.
Dekat surau tu pulak, mengucap panjang aku.


Ada tempat wudhu' tapi tak ada kepala paip.
Tempat ambil wudhu' tu pun kotor.
Ni keadaan surau.
Kotor sangat.
Aku tak tahulah apa benda yang diorang ni calit pada dinding surau ni.
Kotor dan smelly.

Ni tempat wudhu' wanita.
Ada tempat wudhu' tapi tak ada kepala paip.
Dalam tu pun kotor.


Aku suruh suami aku isi air dalam baldi untuk aku ambil wudhu'.
Paip air ada di luar.
Air hitam keruh semacam je.
Geli aku nak berkumur.


Banyak cengkadak pulak aku ni.
Tu air mutlak jugak tu.
Sumber sungai tu jugak.
Aku ambil wudhu' dekat pintu tu je.


Geli aku nak masuk dalam tu.
Tak taulah kotoran apa tu.
Takkan aku nak jilat pulak untuk ketahui tu kotor apa.
Kalau ada kepala paip ni, dah lama aku cuci dalam tu.


Bukan besar mana pun.
Sikit punya hal la kalau nak cuci sorang-sorang pun.
Tempat solat kot, tak sepatutnya jadi macam ni.

Ni tempat solat perempuan.
Seram.
Plus smelly.

Serious talk, nampak macam dah jadi tempat orang buat maksiat.
Setiap kali aku rukuk dan sujud, mesti terhidu bau ketiak bangla.
Bau kepam yang semacam dekat dalam surau ni.


Bahagian lelaki okay lagi.
Tak seteruk bahagian jemaah perempuan ni.
Hantu pun tak nak singgah sini aku rasa.


Lepas je aku solat jamak, aku siap-siap keluar surau.
Aku ajak suami aku pergi ke tandas.
Ahhhhh! Sekali lagi, tutup berkunci.


Memang dari pagi sampai ke zohor tutup berkuncinya.
Eh, baik robohkan terus je la.


Aku pun naik balik ke atas.
Anak aku dekat atas.
Takut la dia nangis nak susu ke apa ke kan?


Jauh jugak aku tinggalkan dia dengan kakak ipar aku.
800 meter perjalanan naik.
Nak mendaki tangga yang mencanak tu la yang paling penat pun.


Sampai di pondok kami tu, anak aku tidur lagi.
Takpe lah.
Aku pun berehat.
Penat.


hen, anak-anak buah aku pun naik atas.
Aku baru sampai dekat pondok tu kot.
Anak-anak buah aku bagitau tandas dah bukak.
Eeee, tak guna!


Time aku nak guna dia tutup.
Dah naik ke atas, dia bukak pulak.
Aku tahan je la sampai balik.
Anak aku yang tidur tadi pun dah bangun.


Bangun-bangun je terus nak terjun dalam sungai.
Suami aku terus bawak dia pergi mandi.
Syoknya dia, main pasir sungai.










Alif tak boleh mandi lama-lama.
Walaupun dah tengah hari, tapi air sungai memang sejuk.
Mandi pun kena sambil berjemur bawah matahari.
Nak elak hypothermia.


Kalau tak silap aku tu lah term yang suami aku sebut semalam.
Kalau aku masih belum pekak la.
Menggigil je, terus nawak naik ke darat.


Tapi budak.
Mana puas main sekejap.
Cuma, as parents, tak boleh ikutkan sangat kehendak anak.


Dalam jam 4 petang macam tu, dah mula kemas-kemas.
Aku pun kemas barang-barang aku.
Supaya tak ada satu pun yang tertinggal.
Sampah pastikan tak buang merata-rata.
Kena jaga kebersihan alam sama.


Turun je ke bawah, macam biasalah.
Aku dengan backpack 🎒 dan dukung Alif 👶🏻
Dia seronok je gelak-gelak.
Yang aku ni punyalah jenuh nak dukung dia yang semakin hari semakin berat tu.


Sampai di parking lot, terus masukkan barang dalam kereta.
Then, diorang ada order bihun sup dan laksa.
Aku tak makan sebab aku ni memang jarang nak makan makanan yang berkuah-kuah ni.
Kena ikut mood.
Bila teringin baru makan.


Aku jaga Alif 👶🏻 sementara suami aku makan bihun sup.
Suami tak makan laksa.
Tak suka.


Lepas suami selesai makan, aku ke tandas.
Aku pergi dengan tenang.
Tandas terletak di hujung hutan tu.
Hujung beno.


Tandas 50 sen.
Okay la, bersih.


Tandas tu pun muat-muat aku je.
Kalau kakak ipar aku nak ke tandas, memang tandas tu akan cakap, "Sorry, please try later" rasanya.
Dah selesai membuang apa yang patut, aku pun naik ke parking lot dengan relax 😎


Aku memang dah tingtong teruk dah.
Kaki aku jadi menggeletar.
Macam nak pitam pun ada rasanya.
Diorang pun dah selesai makan, kami pun bergerak balik.


Ingatkan dah selesai semua, terus balik la.
Rupanya ada menyinggah-nyinggah pulak.
Singgah rumah kawan perempuan kepada anak buah bongsu aku.
Tapi perasaan aku rasa macam tengah hantar rombongan meminang pulak.
Hahaha.


Ya la, aku dulu pun jenis suka memperkenalkan kawan-kawan pada keluarga aku.
Tapi, sekadar kawa saja la.
Tak ada la dengan family-family kawan tu sekali diangkut dan diperkenalkan pada family aku.
Tu yang aku rasa macam pergi meminang orang tu.


Sebab situasi anak buah aku ni, sampai keluarga perempuan tu pun datang rumah dia.
Hahahaha.
Tak tau la kenapa rasa geli hati 😂
Jahatnya aku gelakkan orang.


Dekat rumah pak cik dan mak cik tu, kami dihidangkan roti jala dan pulut manis.
Sedap.


Then, selesai semua, kami pun gerak balik ke Alor Setar.
Sebelum balik Alor Setar tu singgah Pokok Sena dulu.
Kami dinner.
Aku dan suami minum je.
Sampai Alor Setar baru beli lain.


Di sini aku selitkan beberapa view dekat sana. Lawa juga la.








Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

AIB

Aku ada tulis satu post.
Tapi aku rasa post tu penuh dengan aib.
Berkisahkan hal keluarga besar aku.


Teragak-agak jugalah nak publish post tu.
Tapi, time aku baru nak publish tu, aku scroll Twitter sambil-sambil.
Then, penuh la tweet pasal aib.


Penuh peringatan buat aku rasanya tweet-tweet di Twitter tu.
Aku pun rasa entry yang dalam draft tu ada aib juga.
Jadi, tak jadilah aku nak publish.


Jaga aib orang lain, nanti Allah SWT jaga aib kita kan?

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

FAMILY DAY

Tadi ada buat family day.
Cadangan asalnya nak berkelah di sungai atau laut.
Tapi, memandangkan ramai tak boleh join, so kami buat makan-makan je la dan sembang-sembang santai.


Macam biasa la.
Tukang masak memang biras aku la.
Dia memang pandai masak.
Pengalaman memasak dah lebih 30 tahun.
Memasak ni pun part of kerjaya dia jugalah.





So, menu makan hari ni ialah bawal putih masak stim, tom yam seafood, ayam masak patpet.
Memang sedap.
Tambahan pulak makan ramai-ramai.
Alif pun syok makan.


Lepas makan, masing-masing dah kenyang.
Apa lagi, menyembang la.
Macam-macam hal.
Menyembang pulak sambil baring di atas tikar sambil mengadap langir.


Kiranya sambil menikmati keindahan bintang.
Angin pulak kuat.
Tapi angin kuat tu bukan tanda nak hujan atau ribut.
Memang suasana di kampung tu macam tu.
Nyamuk pun takde.


Nyamuk pun tak larat nak terbang gamaknya.
Baru nak gigit angin dah libas.
Angin sepoi-sepoi sejuk ke tulang sumsum.
Sampai terlelap masing-masing di halaman rumah.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

HARI INI

Tadi aku keluar beli kain tudung.
Kakak ipar aku nak.
Dia berkenang aku pakai tudung warna beige.
Katanya nak pakai waktu kenduri nanti.


2 Februari ni aku ada kenduri di Penang.
Rumah sepupu suami aku.
Sepupu suami aku tu lelaki.


Dan dia juga merupakan anak angkat kepada arwah nak mertua aku.
Ini merupakan perkahwinan kedua dia setelah jadi duda sekali.


So, esok aku hantar kain oada Kak Nang.
Kak Nang ni power menjahit.
Style apa nak bagitau je.
Asalkan ada contoh.
Upah pun mur-mur je.


Purdah, tudung aku semua dia yang jahitkan.
Aku cadang lepas ni nak hantar kain baju pulak memandangkan aku ada terlalu banyak kain pasang yang mak aku bagi.


Tak tahulah sama ada nak buat jubah atau baju kurung.
Hari tu aku pakai baju kurung di majlis doa selamat dan tahlil arwah kak ipar aku.
Anak-anak buah suami aku semua pakai tegur aku pakai baju kurung.


Terus terang aku katakan, "Mami terpaksa je pakai baju kurung ni. Sebab Mami tak suka baju kurung".
Aku nampak gemuk kalau pakai baju kurung.
Mungkin sebab corak baju kurung tu besar-besar.
Jadi effect untuk nampak gempal tu ada.


Nak nampak kurus tinggi, pakai kain bercorak jalur menegak dan corak yang kecil-kecil.
Warna pun ada bagi kesan gemuk kurus juga.
Warna gelap bagi effect kurus.
Warna terang, bagi effect berisi.


Terpulang pada masing-masing.
Aku pun kadang-kadang tak tengok sangat corak ni.
Prefer plain je.
Dan suka warna yang terang.


Pastel tu suka juga, tapi suami aku pulak tak berkenan.
Sebab tu baju blouse aku banyak warna merah, maroon, hot pink etc.
Memang terang ang-ang.
Lagi pun warna pastel ni kalau kotor cepat nampak.


Pastu, suami aku suka aku pakai tudung ustazah tu.
Senang katanya.
Sarung je.
Tak payah lilit belit.
Cepat.


Tapi sekarang ni aku dah mula pakai shawl balik.
Shawl dan bawal.
Mana-mana yang aku terasa nak pakai.
Macam-macam style.
Sebab aku tak nak nampak selekeh.


Bila pakai tudung ustazah tu, kadang-kadang orang takut nak dekat.
Sebab ramai yang bertudung labuh ni berkepam.
Pakai tudung yang sama berkali-kali.
Jadi, orang lain yang menjaga imej ni pun turut terkena tempias.


Padahal aku ni wajib berwangi-wangian sebelum keluar rumah.
Dalam rumah pun aku berperfume even nak masuk tidur.


Pakai shawl, pastikan labuh.
Ukuran shawl yang aku pakai sekarang ni 2 meter kali 0.75 meter.
Tapi aku rasa nak suruh Kak Nang jahitkan shawl pulak.
Ukuran yang aku nak buat 2.3 meter kali 0.8 meter.
Memang labuh gila ni.


Bila over labuh ni, nak belit ke jerut ke, pun tak payah risau jika shawl tu tersenteng.
Ukuran 2 meter yang aku pakai sekarang ni pun limited jugak la gaya yang aku boleh buat.
Makin banyak belit, makin memendekkan tudung.


Bukan apa, bagi aku imej ni penting.
Cerminan suami juga.
Kalau pakaian suami kemas, maksudnya isteri dia jaga elok.
Begitu jugak sebaliknya


Jadi, memandangkan aku selalu ikut suami aku jumpa customers, kawan-kawan dia, jadi aku kena maintain imej aku.
Supaya orang tak mengata suami aku kalau aku nampak hideous.


Dulu sebelum kahwin aku tak berfesyen pun.
Tak berapa reti.
Kalau reti pun malas nak menonjol-nonjol.


Time mengandung dulu, secalit bedak pun aku tak pakai.
Kulit flawless gila.
Syok time tu.


Dah la tak makeup, kulit tak pucat.
Berseri, merah-merah pink-pink time tu.
Sebiji biji-biji pun takde.
Apatah lagi jerawat.
Hormon aku beramah mesra sampai tak tumbuh langsung musuh-musuh kulit tu.


Sekarang ni wajib pakai.
Tu yang setiap bulan suami bawa beli barang-barang untuk penampilan aku ni.
Dari nak beli krim muka je, suami aku belikan benda-benda lain sekali.
Makeup remover la apa la.


Tapi berbaloi la kalau beli pun.
Bukannya habis dalam masa sebulan.
Bertahun juga nak habis.


Ni semalam dia belikan aku minyak wangi.
Sebab dia tahu aku ni suka sangat minyak wangi.
Pelbagai bau.
Jadi boleh tukar-tukar.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

MENINGGAL PADA TAHUN BARU

Tanggal 1 Januari 2019 iaitu pada jam 10.15 minit malam, kakak ipar dikhabarkan sesak nafas.
Meninggal ketika dalam perjalanan ke hospital, di dalam ambulans.


Sebelum ni, kak ipar aku ni pernah didiagnosed suspect TB.
Tapi suspect je la.
Tak confirm TB pun.


Meninggal sebab serangan jantung.
Padahal tak ada sakit jantung pun.
Semua tu asbab dunia.


Lebih kurang jam 3 pagi, kami semua bertolak dari Alor Setar ke Taiping.
Berhenti rehar di R&R mana entah sebab mengantuk.
Tak tidur lagi kan malam tu.


Kami tiba di Taiping pada jam 6.30 pagi.
Terus ke rumah arwah, kot-kot ada orang.
Tapi tiada orang.
Tapi sliding door terbuka.
Gril je berkunci.


Jadi kami tutup pintu, dan terus ke hospital.
Sebab jenazah masih di bilik mayat.
Sebab procedure Hospital Taiping ni kata, tak ada pakar nak sign surat mati.
Suami aku cakap,
"Hospital dalam hutan ni memang lambat betul process. Kalau hospital dia, cepat je"

Petang sebelum arwah meninggal tu, elok je aku nampak whatsapp status dia dok celebrate birthday sepupu suaminya.
Paling terkesan sepupu suami kepada arwah kak ipar aku tu la.
Sebab arwah jaga dia macam anak sendiri.
Bagi makan cukup sepanjang bermastautin di Malaysia ni.


Bila kematian ni berlaku, of course la ramai saudara mara yang jauh dan dekat datang ziarah.
To pay their last respect.


Tapi terkilan juga la dengan iemaah Melayu ni.
Suami arwah ni warganegara India asalnya.
Sekarang ni je dah dapat IC Malaysia.
Sebab dah duduk Malaysia ni lebih 15 tahun.


Bila bagitau jemaah Melayu ni, jawapan diorang,
"Selama ni tak nampak pun dekat masjid"

Like, what the hell, man?
Dalam keadaan nak minta uruskan jenazah ni pun, still nak mempertikaikan perkara yang tak sepatutnya dipertikaikan.


Dia ingat masjid melayu je la yang ada dekat Taiping tu?
Biras aku (suami kepada arwah), dia tu asalnya India.
Bahasa ibunda dia pun tamil.
Tapi boleh la cakap Melayu.


Sepupu dia pun sama, dari India.
Bahasa ibundanya tamil.
Anak arwah boleh la cakap tamil, bahasa melayu.


Jadi, memandangkan diorang ni pun berbangsa India, jadi diorang berjemaah di Masjid India, Taiping.
Masjid mamak.


Jemaah Melayu yang banyak cengkadak ni memang macam haram perangai.
Lastly, pengurusan jenazah diuruskan terus oleh pihak hospital.
Dan seterusnya, jenazah dibawa terus je Masjid India.
Disolatkan dan seterusnya dikebumikan di Tanah Perkuburan Kampung Jambu, Taiping.


Keluarga sebelah suami aku ni tak berapa tahu sangat hukum agama.
Yang free hair pun masih ramai lagi.
Jadi bila berlakunya kematian, masing-masing dok bertanya aku boleh ke depa (mereka) nak tengok jenazah arwah, sekian-sekian.


Takut la kan, nanti aurat tak dijaga jika dilihat oleh bukan mahram.
Dari jam 8 pagi, kami duduk di Unit Forensik Hospital Taiping.
Katanya, pukul 8 baru pakar ada.
Pukul 10 baru boleh mandikan jenazah.
Aku pun turut mandikan jenazah sekali.


Arwah sayang sungguh pada anak aku.
Boleh dikatakan hampir setiap hari bervideo call dengan Alif.
Kadang-kadang, bila arwah rindu sangat pada Alif, sanggup dia datang ke Alor Setar.
Walaupun jumpa Alif tak sampai setengah jam.



Sebelum Zohor kebumi.
Mamak ni tak ada bacaan talkin.
Tak kisahlah kan.
Bukan wajib pun.
Nak buat-buat.
Tak nak pun tak pe.


Lepas kebumi, kitorang balik semula ke Masjid India.
Buat tahlil.
Berehat sekejap, then balik rumah arwah.
Mandi etc dan sebelum maghrib, dah bertolak balik.       


Aku la payah sikit.
Period time tu.
Duduk luar je la.


Macam aku cakap tadi, family suami aku ni tak tahu hukum hakam sangat.
Sampai dok push aku duduk di bilik solat perempuan.


Kalau ikutkan, aku ni nak masuk masjid pun tak boleh.
Ni nak melewati dalam masjid.
Rasa nak ketuk je sekor-sekor yang paksa aku masuk masjid ni.


Ingat aku sengaja nak duduk dekat area wudhuk laki tu? 😒😒
Dengan dukung Alif yang merengek tak sudah nak berkepit.
Haih, sabar je la.a

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil