A Diary With Tears: 2017

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GIRL WHO'S WEEPING FOR HIS PRESENCE

An open letter to the girl who's weeping for his presence :

No, stop thinking.

I understand. I understand how you feel every 3 am thinking he might come back.

How he treated you nice every time you think bad about yourself.

I understand that you're weeping because you miss him.
But no, don't do that.

Sorry for the sleepless night thinking about him.

I'm sorry for the wasted time not sleeping hoping he might come back.
I'm sorry for all the bad thoughts you think about yourself.
I'm sorry for guessing what have you done wrong where in fact you know yourself that you did everything.
I'm sorry for letting you feel that you aren't enough.

But girl, think about everything.
You are not alone.
You are not the only girl who's weeping.
You are not alone in this obstacle.
You are not alone facing this.
You are not alone in this circumstance.

I am with you.
I am here.
I am here because I am believing in you.
I am here because I know you can overcome this.

Please, just please.
Don't give up.
Because I ain't.

- ABM -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO YOU WHO MAKE ME FEEL SAFE

To you who make me feel safe.

When I say,

"Safe"

It's more than how your arms keep me safe.

It is how you assure me that things will turn out just right.

It is how you protect me from my fears and accept my vulnerabilities.

It is when you tell me I'm stronger than I think I am.

For the fact that you can take my worries away, makes me feel secured.

Certainly, there is nothing more compelling than a man who looks after your safety more than his own.

Yes, tight hugs and cuddles may soothe the anxieties I am feeling.

But I guess it's ephemeral.

I am now less afraid, knowing that you got my back all the time.

Thank you for guarding what you own, and own me forever.
What I am only scared of now is losing you.
For when I say,

"Safe"

It's because of you.

- EA -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

EXCESSIVE WEIGHT GAIN

Berat aku naik mendadak..
Waktu aku buat buku pink ni, usia kandungan adalah 5 bulan..
Aku buat buku pink ni dulu pada bulan May 2017..
Kiranya janin pada waktu tu dalam usia 3 bulan..

Tapi, sekarang ni berat aku 70 kilogram..
Mak ai, berat gila..
Sampai 3 kali jumpa doktor dan kena dapatkan khidmat nasihat dari nurses..

Ya la, doktor pun gelak tengok berat aku yang naik punya mendadak..
Dlaam tempoh 9 bulan 10 hari mengandung ni, berat yang dibenarkan naik hanyalah sebanyak 1 kilo..
Kiranya dalam 500 gram sebulan sahaja..
Tapi aku..?
Innalillah..

Ya la, semua salah suami aku..
Dia bagi aku makan banyak..
Jadi, aku pun makan je la..
Dah dihulur kan..?

Bayangkanlah, sehaari aku makan nasi lemak sampai 6 bungkus..
Tu baru pagi..
Malam pun nasi lemak lagi..
Tak termasuk makanan-makanan sampingan yang lain..

Tapi, suami aku kata, badan aku akan kurus lepas bersalin..
Sebab memang pesen badan aku, kurus dan cenonet sejak kecil..
Jadi, memang waktu mengandung akan berbeza sikit..
Berat mungkin naik secara tiba-tiba..

Disebabkan berat badan aku naik, aku perlu minum air gula..
Sehari sebelum minum air gula tu, kena berpuasa..
Contohlah esok pagi kena minum air gula, malam sebelum tidur atau ebih specified pada jam 10 malam tu, perlu berpuasa..
HJust boleh minum air masak sahaja..

First trial aku minum air gula, failed..
Sebab aku termuntah sejurus selepas minum air gula tu..
Manis gila..
Walaupun sedap je rasa oren..
Tapi, aku bukan peminat makanan dan minuman yang manis-manis..

Jadi, dibatalkanlah OGTT pada first trial..
Lepas tu, nurse suruh datang 2 hari kemudian..
Aku minum slow-slow..
Waktu first time minum tu, aku gelojoh..
Sekali telan je..
Mau tak muntah..
Hahaha..

Second trial, aku berjaya minum..
Lepas je minum, aku terus minum air masak..
Bagi hilangkan sikit rasa manis dekat tekak.
Kalau tak, mau termuntah aku buat kedua kalinya..

Kena tunggu 2 jam selepas minum air gula..
Oh ya sebelum minum air gula, perlu ambil darah..
Darah aku ni segan beno nak keluar..
Keluar berbuih-buih..
Jadi, darah tak boleh nak ambil sebab dah tercemar..
Kalau bawa ke lab juga, darah akan cepat beku..
Suami aku cakap la..

Lepas tu, nurse tu panggil sister..
Sister cakap aku ni gebu sangat sampai urat pun tak nampak..
Kali ni, sister yang ambil sample darah..
Sister tu cucuk aku dekat atas telapak tangan..
Dia pakai jarum biru..
Besar sikit dari jarum biasa..

Suami aku kata,
"Kalau abang yang ambilkan darah Sayang, Abang ambil pakai jarum ungu atau pink.. Jarum besar punya"
Kuang hajo..
Hahahaha..

Sementara nak tunggu 2 jam selepas minum air gula tu, aku dan suami pun pergi jalan-jalan..
Sempat la pergi dan patah balik dari Alor Setar ke Kangar, Perlis..

Selepas 2 jam, aku pun kembali ke klinik..
Dan darah pun diambil..
Kali ni pun sama juga, darah segan nak keluar..
Boleh dikatakan 3 kali percubaan untuk mengambil sample darah selepas meminum air gula..

Nak buat macam mana..
Darah mahal..
Ekeke..

So, sekarang ni, aku kena buat carta gerak janin pulak..
Baby ni aktif sungguh..
Sampai susah aku nak tidur dibuatnya..
Nak berjalan pun dan berasa sakit-sakit dekat kawasan bawah perut dan pangkal peha..
Almaklumlah dah masuk 30 minggu..

"To be continued"

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

THREATENED MISCARRIAGE

Alkisahnya bleeding..

Time tu dok syok main game sambil meniarap..

Tetiba bleeding..

4 5 hari jugak la bleeding..

Tapi, tak rasa sakit apa pun..

Time tu dekat nak Maghrib..

Pastu, terus call suami bagi tau ada pendarahan..

Suami balik rumah..

Tapi, time tu suami tak habis waktu kerja lagi..

Jadi takpa..

Suami pergi balik kerja..

Aku pun malas nak ke hospital sebenarnya..

Malam tu lepas dinner, dalam pukul 12 malam macam tu, pergi hospital..

Lama jugak la..

Jam 5 A.M baru sampai rumah..

First, check tekanan darah..

Tekanan darah rendah..

Tapi, boleh gagah la..

Tak rendah sangat..

Pastu, doktor panggil masuk..

Doktor check scan tu scan ni buat ultrasound..

Tapi, time tu memang MO yang check tapi dia pun tak berapa arif..

Bukan bidang dia..

Then, dia panggil another MO lelaki..

MO laki tu kata ada 2 ni..

Banyak kali dia ckp..

Aku pun macam excited gila walaupun saiz baby tak sampai sejengkal..

Hahaha..

Memandangkan both bukan pakar dalam bidang obs ni, jadi depa minta consult pakar pada 3 hari selepas malam tu..

Sesi soal jawab depa dengan suami..

Suami tanya vital point ETC menggunakan term medical yang I sendiri tak faham..

Tapi, lain pula yang dijawabnya..

Hari appoinment pakar pun tiba..

So check la..

Check, baby sihat..

Doktor kata, 96 - 97 percent baby sihat..

Memang sangat aktif..

Punca pendarahan pun tak tahu..

Tapi, rasa-rasanya sebab meniarap lama sangat kot..

Mungkin macam push perut yang makin memboyot ni..

Dan HB darah pun mungkin rendah..

Suami pun ada ckp yang aku mungkin ada masalah darah..

Antara benda yang kagum dengan suami sendiri, dia tengok badan je, dah tahu ada masalah kesihatan sekian-sekian..

Uishh power..

Then, doktor bagi ubat untuk kuatkan rahim..

Pastu tengok dekat farmasi pun ramai sangat orang..

Jadi, cadang ambil esok je la ubat..

Tak ada la nak beratur berakar lama dekat situ..

Esoknya pun datang la..

Hari Rabu time tu..

Memang tak ada orang..

Jadi, pergi la ambil ubat..

Malangnya pihak farmasi kata doktor yang rawat aku tu terlupa nak order ubat dekat farmasi..

Jadi, pihak farmasi tak boleh bagi ubat sesuka hati meskipun ada surat dari doktor yang merawat..

Jadi, kene datang pagi so that boleh jumpa doktor tu atau pihak farmasi call doktor tu untuk pengesahan supaya boleh bagi ubat la..

Memandangkan malas dah nak pergi hospital ulang tu ini, sampai la ni tak makan ubat..

Lepas je appointment EPAU ni, malam tu aku bleeding balik..

Tapi, sekejap je..

To be continued

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

MOMMY TO BE

Aku telah disahkan hamil pada bulan Februari yang lalu..

Last period aku pada 8th Februari..

Jadi, jangkaan usia kandungan yang berada di dalam rahim aku ini berkemungkinan berusia 6 bulan..

Doktor pun tak sure usia kandungan aku sebab kandungan aku nampak sedikit besar dari usia..
Dan due date pun berkemungkinan awal dua minggu dari jangkaan doktor..

Kalau ikut perancangan aku dan suami, kami mahu merancang untuk tidak mempunyai anak di awal usia perkahwinan..

Nak enjoy dulu setahun dua dan selepas tu barulah plan untuk mempunyai anak..

Tapi, apakan daya..

Kita hanya mampu merancang dan Allah juga merancang untuk semua hamba-hambaNya..

Rezeki Allah nak beri, jadi ambil saja la..

Orang lain ada yang bertahun berusaha untuk dapatkan anak..

Tapi, ada yang diberikan ujian kesihatan..

Dan ada juga yang masih diizinkan Allah SWT..

Kandungan aku sihat alhamdulillah..

Baby tersangatlah aktif..

Kejap ke kiri, sekejap ke kanan..

Ada sekali tu pergi scan, baby sedang melambai-lambai..

Tak sabar nak jumpa kami gamaknya..

Hahaha..

Dalam fasa mengandung ni,

Aku menghidapi anaemia..

Iaitu haemoglobin (Kepekatan darah merah) dalam darah tersangatlah rendah..

Almaklumlah, dulu seorang..

Sekarang badan dan darah share untuk dua orang..

Doktor kata, uri aku ke bawah sikit..

Tapi, by time insyaaAllah uri akan naik dan kembali normal seperti sedia kala..

Doktor beritahu lagi, untuk ibu mengandung buat pertama kalinya, memang rahimnya agak lemah sebab baru nak adapt dengan keadaan yang baru (mengandung)

Alhamdulillah, HB aku ada naik sikit berbanding dengan sebelum ni..

Banyak juga la aku telan sumber-sumber laut..

Dengan kepah, lala, udang lipan, ketam, kerang, sayur-sayuran hijau dan pelbagai lagi..

Suami aku kata, waktu mengandung ak boleh minum air kelapa, tebu, tak boleh makan buah betik nanas, sayur keladi dan beberapa jenis buah yang lain..

Sebab tajam dan tak sesuai untuk trimester pertama ni..

Setiap bulan, wajib hadir ke appointment..

Almaklumlah, kena ambil darah dan buat ujian air kencing..

Dan dua bulan sekali appoinment dengan nutritionist..

Sebab perlu jumpa nutritionist adalah ekoran dari masalah HB yang rendah..

Nutritionist ni la yang akan bimbing ibu-ibu mengandung dari segi pemakanan..

Apa yang boleh makan dan apa yang tak boleh dimakan..

Nutritionist kata, vitamin C yang paling banyak dalam buah terkandung dalam buah jambu batu..

Dan beliau juga menyarankan agar memakan makanan sunnah seperti buah delima dan kurma..

Kopi, air berkoko, air bercoklat, coklat, teh dan segala yang bercaffein, semua aku tak boleh makan..

Aku berpantang..

Sebab makanan-makanan tu membuatkan ubat-ubat yang aku makan tu tidak berfungsi..

Apa-apa pun bila mengandung ni banyak kena jaga..

Gerakan tak boleh lasak dan ganas..

Kena cermat dan lembut..

Almaklumlah, macam-macam boleh jadi..

Bulan ni aku ada 2 appointment yang perlu aku hadir..

Aku harap, HB aku kembali normal..

Lagi sikit je nak normal..

Ni semua atas usaha suami aku dok 'menyumbat' seafood sepanjang bulan Ramadhan hari tu..

Hahaha..

Oh ya, waktu usia kandungan 3 bulan,

Alu alami pendarahan selaman 5 hari..

Tapi, nanti la aku cerita di post yang akan datang..

InsyaaAllah..

Doakan kesihatan aku dan baby berada dalam keadaan baik sehingga ia dilahirkan..

To be continued

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

SELAMAT DIIJABKABULKAN

Tanggal 2 Disember 2016 yang lalu, aku telah selamat diijabkabulkan yang berwalikan ayah aku dengan sekali lafaz sahaja..

Alhamdulillah, Allah permudahkan segala urusan walaupun banyak juga la perkara-perkara yang tak berkenan berlaku..

Antara perkara-perkara yang tak berkenan berlaku adalah mulut-mulut puaka orang sekeliling..

Siap nak siasat pasal suami aku..

Yang dengki pun ada..

Nasib baiklah suami aku ni pesen faham keadaan dan pe'el pelik-pelik family besar aku ni cemana..

Jadi, dia dah bagi tau colleagues dia awal-awal,

"If someone looking for me, tell them that I'm dead"

Ya la, aku ni kan duduk di bawah tempurung, tak berapa bergaul sangat dengan orang..

Jadi, most of them rasa pelik la kot cemana boleh kenal dengan suami aku ni haa..

Dah la doktor pakar sakit puan, programmer, sub-contractor, entrepreneur pun ya juga..
Background family pun hebat-hebat..

Jadi, diorang macam pelik la kan, aku dapat kenal dengan seseorang yang tak seberapa nak sekufu dengan diri aku..

Ada juga yang perangai pelik-pelik yang lain..

Ada yang kami dah jemput datang kenduri waktu akad nikah dan walimah, tapi dia kata kami tak jemput dan macam-macam lagi la pe'el yang sememangnya terhape-hape..

So, aku time tu rasa macam bengang pun ada..

Perlu ke nak sembah macam raja mereka-mereka tu..?

Tak perlu langsung..

Actually, tak kisah langsung dengan orang-orang macam tu..

Cuma, memandangkan mereka ini adalah dari kalangan saudara -mara, jadi terpaksalah layan lebih sikit..

Gedik pun gedik la..

Ah, persetankanlah semua tu..!

So, pada malam 2 Disember 2016, selepas Isyak aku pun bernikah..

Bertemakan warna hijau emerald gelap..

Malam tu, tok kadi hampir terlupa sebenarnya..

Clumsy juga la mencari nombor telefon tok kadi..

Kang tak kahwin pula kami..

Hahaha..

Kami buat majlis akad nikah di surau taman perumahan mama dan ayah aku..

Ramai juga yang hadir pada malam tu..

Saudara mara sebelah suami aku, ada yang datang dari jauh..

Dari Dubai, Melaka dan dari berbagai-bagai negeri dan negara lain..

Yang dari Melaka tu sanggup datang semata-mata nak tengok live akad nikah..

Sebab mereka ada kerja pada keesokan harinya..

Bayangkanlah, malam tu mereka sampai dari Melaka, dan malam tu juga bertolak pulang ke Melaka..

Tema kami pada malam tu adalah hijau..

Keluarga suami aku semua pakai hijau..

Berboria gitu..

Aku mendapat sebentuk cincin custom made sebagai tanda pernikahan kami..

Dan aku juga mendapat seutas rantai dari kakak ipar dan kak biras aku..

Keesokan harinya pula merupakan hari walimah kami..

Kami gabung majlis..

Dan tema kami pada hari itu adalah putih ungu..

Tapi, dress kami lebih kepada warna putih..

Ungu tu saja-saja menambah kombinasi..

Kami tiada pelamin, tiada tepung tawar..

Yang ada cumalah makan beradab bersama kedua-dua belah keluarga pengantin lelaki dan perempuan..

Dulang hantaran pula, aku dapat di kedua-dua majlis pertunangan dan pada malam pernikahan..

Tapi, itu semua memang pemberian daripada keluarga suami aku..

Kata mereka,

"Tak perlu apa-apa balasan"

Actually, aku merupakan first love suami aku..

Since suami aku tak pernah langsung bercinta meskipun kawan-kawannya ramai je..

Kalau ikutkan family suami aku, diorang mahu cari calon import dari India untuk suami aku..

Tapi, suami aku tak mahu..

Sebab susah nanti kawan-kawannya nak communicate nanti..

Kawan-kawan aku ada la beberapa orang yang aku jemput..

Bukan apa, aku memang dah tak berhubung sangat dengan diorang..

Lepas study, terus lost contact..

Kecuali dengan kawan-kawan di AIM..

Tapi, betul-betul sekadar roommates aku saja yang aku jemput..

Cikgu-cikgu sekolah, aku jemput..

Dan mereka hadir..

Almaklumlah, cikgu-cikgu sekolah dulu memang geng mesyuarat tingkap..

Rajin juga dulu aku pergi bilik guru, duduk dekat tingkap bilik guru tu semata-mata nak bergosip dengan cikgu..

Oh kenangan sungguh la..!

Oh ya, untuk honeymoon, suami aku bawa ke Venice, Italy..

Suami aku ni kaki jalan, kaki camping dan macam-macam jenis kaki lagi la..

Tapi, antara naik flight dan riding, dia lebih suka riding..

No wonder, banyak negara dah suami aku pergi secara riding bersama kawan-kawannya..

Aku dengan suami aku ni, ada banyak perbezaan..

Kalau aku jenis senyap dan suka bersendiri, suami aku pula suka bercakap dan tersangatlah peramah..

Jadi, lepas kahwin ni, live aku berbeza sangat dari zaman bujang-bujang..

Kalau dulu terperap dalam bilik tak keluar setahun pun tak apa,

Kali ni, setiap hari mesti keluar rumah dan balik rumah pun dekat-dekat nak Subuh..

Kadang-kadang, aku ikut suami aku pergi kerja..

Yala, duduk rumah sunyi..

Sorang-sorang pulak tu..

Jiran tetangga pun aku tak berapa nak kenal..

Jadi, lagi elok kalau aku ikut suami aku ke mana sahaja dia pergi..

Kehidupan suami aku yang busy juga buat aku kekangan masa..

Duduk rumah betul-betul untuk mandi dan tidur sahaja..

Makan semua di luar..

Suami aku tak bagi aku buat kerja rumah..

Sayang aku sangat-sangat katanya..

Tapi, tak ada la aku tak buat langsung kerja rumah..

Yang ringan-ringan macam lipat kain, sapu sampah, basuh pinggan tu aku buat la..

Takkan nak biar berulat macam tu je kan..?

Apa-apa pun kehidupan selepas kahwin ni lagi banyak cabarannya..

Kalau dulu perangai ego punyalah tinggi, sekarang ni kena banyak beralah..

Perlu ada give and take supaya masalah rumahtangga tidak berlarutan..

To be continued

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT

No relationship is perfect.

As much as you would want it to be perfect, it will never be perfect.

It's always good before it gets bad, it's always easy before it gets hard, and it always feels perfect before it gets real.

You'll always see the best in each other before you bring out the worst of each other.

As the connection gets deeper and the attachment gets stronger, that's when you're gonna see just exactly how vulnerable you've made yourself to each other.

That's when the flaws and faults start to show themselves.

That's when the problems and differences start to settle in.

This is where most people give up because now everything is too complicated or too difficult and that's when they try to find someone better.

But the thing is even with someone better, it's never going to be perfect.

It's not about being with someone better or having that perfect relationship.

It's about knowing the value of what you have right in front of you and making it work despite the challenges it may bring.

Sure, it feels amazing when you two get along and it feels miserable when you two argue.

But the beauty in that is being able to always find your way back to each other when you're on the verge of losing one another because that goes to show that it's something worth fighting for and it's meant to be saved.

So there might not such a thing as a perfect relationship, but a beautiful one..?

Yeah, those do exist because what's beautiful isn't always perfect, and it's something we all deserve.

- Teddy Nguyen -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

WOMEN AND PMS

Maybe I had a bad day at work.

Maybe I'm sick of the rain.

Maybe I'm having the period from Hell.

Or maybe I just need to be fed.

But the root of my mood is the least important thing right now.

Remember that I'm sorry.

If anything I said hurt you, I'm sorry.

I tend to say cruel things I don't actually mean when I'm in a mood.
But just because they're fueled by anger doesn't mean that they don't hurt you.
But remember that I'm also not sorry.

I won't apologize for having feelings, for being a person.
Let me be.
Let me feel.
I know it sucks, but in this moment, I'm moody.

And there's nothing you can do to change that, except let me let it all out.
So, it can go away.
Remember that I'm human.

We all have good days, and bad days.
And sometimes I have good days for absolutely no reason.
And sometimes I have bad days for absolutely no reason.
Remember that it's not you.

If you were the problem - if you were the reason why I'm moody right now,
Trust me, you would know.

Whatever it is, you need to let me feel it.
No judgments.
Remember that I love you, and that you love me.

And even though I'm in one of my moods,
Even though I'm being a total pain in the ass right now,
Remember that this is a part of me.

This is a part of the woman you love, the person you fell for.
Remember that you get into moods, too.

I'm not crazy.
I'm just being crazy for the time being.
And, like me, you're human.
You do the same thing.

While you don't have PMS, you definitely have a time of the month where you get moody as hell.
So put yourself in my shoes when you're in a bad mood, how do want to be treated..?

Remember that if I wanted to be alone, I would be alone.
You're here, because despite my mood, I need you by my side.
I want you by my side.
While it may not show, knowing you're here with me makes me feel better.
Because you make me feel safe, like everything's gonna be okay.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

BE HAPPY FOR YOU EX

If you see your ex with someone else, then be happy for them.

Your ex did what an ex was supposed to do, which was to find happiness again.

Did you expect your ex to always occasionally tell you that they miss you and they'd like to try again with you..?

Did you expect your ex to not be able to ever get over you..?

Did you expect your ex to always be ready and available for you when you feel like it's the right time to get back together..?

What you had with your ex was something beautiful and tragic.

But it was an experience that helped you both grow and it's something that your ex will carry on to the next relationship to ensure that it has a better chance of working out this time around.

Your ex will take everything that happened with you, learn from it, and live by those lessons in the new relationship so that some mistakes won't be repeated and some things will be avoided.

Just because your ex found happiness before you did, doesn't mean you should hate them for it.

You shouldn't be feeling any bitterness towards your ex for finding someone new and you shouldn't think of it as being replaced.

It's you that has to come to terms with the fact that it was amazing while it lasted and unfortunately, it's ran its course.

It's you that has to accept that your ex has now outgrown you and found someone who's better for them.

It's you that has to understand that if you loved your ex at all.

You'd know that this is for the best and your ex is better off without you.

You're allowed to think about your ex, you're allowed to miss your ex from time to time, and you're allowed to care for your ex, but you're not allowed to stand in the way of their new relationship and hold them back from being happy.

Just be thankful that you were even with them, be happy for them, and move on.

- Teddy Nguyen -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

UNREQUITED LOVE

Unrequited love is the kindest love of all.

It is a selfless but painful choice.

You are choosing to love someone despite the fact that he doesn't feel the same way about you.

You are willingly breaking your heart for someone who thinks you're just one of the blurry, unfamiliar faces among the crowd.

You are loving despite everything because you know that no matter how hard you try, sometimes love just can't be reciprocated.

Why do you get hurt..?

The most obvious and immediate answer most of us say is that simply because,

"He doesn't love me back"

It hurts to accept this as a fact but what's wrong in this statement is that you're like putting the blame entirely on the other person.

You're saying that the reason why you're hurting is that person who just can't reciprocate your love. And that is not right.

The truth is, you are hurting because you have already decided that he is The One you've been waiting for.
You have projected all your fantasies onto him even if you know these will most probably not happen.
But then you are still hoping and believing that it's just a matter of time until he realizes that you really are the one or him.

You have made him into someone you want him to be.
That is, to be The One for you.
That is selfishness.

The truth is, unrequited love is meant to be painful.
Just because it hurts, doesn't mean it's wrong.
It's not wrong to love him.

What's wrong is that you're making yourself believe that he is the one meant to make your dreams come true.
And maybe he is not.
Maybe you're just making yourself fall in love with an idea.
Maybe it's just a delusion.

The truth is, there is a reason why your love is unrequited.
The reason why you two are not together is not just because he hasn't met you yet or he is still in love with another person.
Maybe the reason is that you two are meant for other people.
You can choose to still hopelessly go after him or you can choose to love someone who truly loves you.

The point is, unrequited love is meant to be kind and not selfish.
So stop imagining your future with someone who doesn't know you in the present and is probably imagining his future with someone else.

Do not fantasize so much about The One.
Do not make people into someone they are not.
Do not expect them to find their way to you.
Because in the end, it's only you who will get hurt.

Remember this: you are not pathetic, okay..?
You are generous, kind, and selfless.
Isn't it beautiful to sincerely love someone from afar without expecting to be loved back..?

Don't worry.
Someday, you will meet The Real One, the one who is real enough to truly love you.
But for now, focus on yourself; imagine your own future.
You are the only one who can make your dreams come true.
Just know that there is someone out there who will see you clearly among the crowd and give you the truest love that you deserve.

- Leiza Somerhalder -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

WOUND MIGHT HEAL BUT SCAR WON'T VANISH

The wound might heal yet the scar won't vanish.

It makes me sad seeing people suffer from heartaches because I know being on that stage of your life is not easy.

It's like battling to live while your heart is already dead.

Similar to pumping blood for your heart to keep it going and for you to stay alive.

But the overall scenario seems like trying to revive a fucking organ that has been stabbed ten thousand times.

Indeed, the aftermath of "separation anxiety" kills you to the point that you're no longer thrilled on the idea of living the life you have.

To the extent that you just want to lay in bed and let tears stream down on your cheeks.

It's deplorable that the only thing that knows your grief is the moon who peaks at your window seeing your silhouette at night.

So before y'all try to break someone's heart,

You should know that it is not easy going through shitty heartaches.

Some of these people whom hearts have been broken are not strong enough to endure the heartaches that they have been suffering.

The trauma you've caused is for lifetime and there will already be a gap when you try to fix each others' wounds.

Lastly, I've come to realize that the wound might heal yet the scar won't vanish and that's the saddest thing after all.

- R -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

IF YOUR GIRL MAKES AN EFFORT

Dear boys,
If your girl makes an effort to keep the relationship,
You should keep her.

If she does sweet gestures and efforts to make you happy,
You are so blessed.
Not all girls will do something like that.

If you have a girl who loves you more than the material things,
You should protect her heart.

If you already found the one worth all the love and sacrifices,
Don't take her for granted.

Genuine girls are hard to find.
You might regret it in the end.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

WHEN YOU STOP SHOWING EFFORT TO A GIRL

When you stop showing effort to a girl, that's when she'll start to think that you're not choosing her anymore.

That's when she'll be convinced that your heart's not in it anymore.

And that's when she'll believe that you aren't falling in love with her every day anymore because effort is everything to a girl.

Whether you've been with her for 2 months or 2 years,

Effort is something that she's always going to expect to see,

Because it's the kind of reassurance she needs for her to continue making an effort of her own because she can't be only one trying.

She can't be the only one wanting to make it work, and she can't be the only one giving it her all.

As a man, you should always be chasing her and making her feel like she's everything to you.

And no, that doesn't mean you always have to make some grand gesture to show her that you care.

But it's the little things that win her over.

Without effort, it just makes her feel like you're bored with her.

She's no longer making you happy and she's just not good enough for you.

And a girl can only feel that way for so long until she feels like you're not worth the effort anymore. Maybe it's because she would make such an effort to be with you and she would like to believe that you'd do the same for her.

But if you really did care about her, making an effort should be something that's natural.

And it shouldn't be difficult.

So if it is, then don't be surprised if that's how you're going to lose her and once you do, it would take even more of an effort to get her back.

- Teddy Nguyen -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

SOMETIMES, IT'S HARD TO BE YOU

In this world, if you wanted to be yourself, judgment will follow.

Stereotypes are everywhere.

If you have tattoos people will say that you are into drugs or you are a bad person.

If you wear sexy clothes, people will label you as a bitch.

If you have a lot of guy friends, people will think that you wanted to get laid.

If you have a lot of girl friends, people will think that you are gay.

Sometimes, it's just too hard to be happy.

It's too hard to be you.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

FORGIVE YOURSELF

Dear girl,

Forgiving him isn't how you start moving on.

Forgiving yourself is.

Forgive yourself for staying for as long as you did.

Forgive yourself for trying as hard as you did.

Forgive yourself for giving him as many chances as you did.

Forgive yourself for letting him have such control over you.

Forgive yourself for allowing him to hurt you.

Forgive yourself for not being able to see the kind of person he really is.

Forgive yourself for wasting time that you aren't going to get back.

Forgive yourself for making the effort he never fully appreciated you for.

Forgive yourself for handing back the pieces of your heart to him each time he broke it.

Forgive yourself for wanting to make it work so badly that you blocked out the idea of him being toxic for you.

Forgive yourself for refusing to let it go even though you had every reason to.

Forgive yourself for loving him more than you love yourself.

The hardest thing to do is forgiving yourself.

But you can't move on until you're at peace yourself and you stop hating yourself for everything you chose to put yourself through for him.

Once you forgive yourself, you'll be free.

- Teddy Nguyen -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THE GIRL WHO HAS HER HEART BROKEN

To the girl who has her heart broken,

He was cute right..?
So adorable.

The little things he did for you made your heart melt.

Forget about the butterflies, he gave you the whole god damn zoo.

You felt happy and satisfied.

But now he's gone and you feel so lost.

You don't know what to do.

You sit and look up his social media account to just find one new picture of him or a new piece of information about him.

Hell you stalk his mom, dad, uncle, everyone just to find something about him.

You still are not able to listen to "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade without crying.

At nights when you sit and stare at the walls, the whole of your relationship comes in front of your eyes.

Then one day he decides to message you.

Your heart leaps when you see that notification on your phone.

You reply to the message and a conversation starts with both of you catching up on each others life.

His life is very different now but you are just so glad he chose to tell you about it.

He tells you that he still loves you and thinks about you all the damn time.

When you hear this, your heart leaps with joy, you have tears in your eyes, you want to jump and say YES..!!!

Yes, you think about him all the time too.

Yes, you miss him.

Yes, seeing Ross and Rachel on TV makes you hope it was him and you.

But when something like this actually happens, I want you to STOP.

I want you to stop and think the following :-

Why did you guys break up..? What was the reason and do you think that reason has been sorted out..? Do you think its worth sorting out that reason anymore..?
Is he ready to accept the fact that you are a changed person now and not the one you were say 3 or 4 months back..? Does he show warmth to the fact that you have GROWN..?
Does he respect your emotions..? Does he acknowledge the fact that you are hurt and feeling low for a long ass period of time or is he just making fun of you so called "depressed state"..?
Is he talking to you because he wants to know how you are doing or just because he noticed some new guy commenting on some post of yours..? Was it curiosity about your life or that new guy..?
And most importantly ask yourself and think whether its worth to go through the entire process of emotionally investing yourself in the guy only to get hurt again.

Take those memories and put them carefully in the corner of your heart and move on.

Grow, learn and live life.

Don't wait for any message from anyone.

Don't hurt yourself more by seeing other people's life on social media, who knows if it's even true..?

Spend time with people who make you feel comfortable and loved and if not that then spend time with yourself.

And maybe one day someone else will come in your life.

Someone who will be nothing at all like your first love but someone totally new and magical and better.

Till that time..?

GROW and LOVE yourself because you are the source of magic in your life.

- Malavika Krishna -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

HALF-BAKED LOVE

I don't want a half-baked love.

I'm at the point in my life when realizations came sweeping me.
I came to realize that love is not about intimacy, but rather of consistency.

A love that sustains is what I'm in search for.

I don't want someone who only gives me butterflies on my tummy, but eventually leaves when I reach on my peak of emotions.

I don't want someone who holds my hand tight at the beginning, and loosen up when things went wrong at end.

I want someone who stays , not someone who plays.

I want a relationship, not just a mere hooked up.

I want someone who sees me as his "lifetime" , not just for "spare time"

I want someone who sees me as a choice, not just one of his options .

I want someone who "prays" with me, not someone who "preys" on me.

Because I want a love that lasts, a love that endures.
It may took long for me to find the one, but I rather wait than end up with regrets .

- I.M.P.A -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THE GUY WHO OPENED HER HEART AGAIN

To the guy who opened her heart again.

She used to be a big fan of first loves since that's what she has read on books and watched on movies.

Clearly, there is so much emphasis on every person's first love.

As what she used to believe, your first love should always be the last one too.

Little did she know, that idea is absolutely wrong in so many ways.

She got her heart broken by her first love and even told herself that she'd never love again.

And then you came in to her life.

You met each other and asked herself,

"Why not try again this time..? This thing might work out. You might be the one I have been waiting for all my life. You might save me from the depths of my agony and despair"

So she opened her heart for you.

She lowered the boundaries around her heart for you to be able to get in.

You pushed through the walls she used to protect herself because she had been hurt so badly before.

She let you in.

Now you're inside her heart.
She fell in love with you.
She had discovered that she has the ability to fall in love again after that soul-wrecking, gut-wrenching heartache she went through.

It's been a long time since she opened her heart to somebody else and it's been a while since she felt what love feels like.
It must be tough for her, starting all over again with a new lover - because that will really take time to let you know what her favorites are.
What she disgusts the most and to know more about her and that thing goes the same with her knowing everything about you, too.

You made her believe in second chances.
That everyone is worthy of it.
You made her believe in love again after her heart was crushed into tiny pieces.

She used to be broken but now here she is, loving you with all her might.
Because you taught her to fall in love again.
You made her put her first love aside, something she never imagined she would be able to do.

You brought her so much happiness, she never thought she would be able to feel again.
You made her laugh.
You made her want to be goofy and silly always.
You gave her that calm and warm feeling.
You gave her that roller coaster kind of feeling with that twists, turns, loop-de-loops, plummets, and uphill climbs - in other words, you made her feel how exhilarating and exciting it is to fall inlove again.

You made her stop believing that all guys would treat her bad and break her heart.
It is so easy to believe all guys are the same.
It is easy to believe because that is her way of protecting herself from being hurt again.
Her defense mechanism, perhaps.

You may not be her first love, first date, first kiss, and etc, but she will make you feel like you are her firsts in everything and that she is the firsts in your everything, too.
Like, making you feel like you just fell in love for the first time.

It must be really tough for her before.
But now, she is eternally grateful that you bumped into her life.
You helped her see the wonders of falling in love again.

She stopped believing in fairy tales, thinking that these were just nasty childhood stories that made us think happily ever afters do exist.
Yet now, here she is starting to believe at it again, hoping that you are each other's happily ever after.

You changed her perspective about first loves.
It is not the one that matters the most.
But it is actually the one who opens your heart again and in her case, that is absolutely you, her second and most importantly, her best love.

-Meigan Dannielle -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

HARDEST KIND OF BREAKUP

Hardest kind of breakup,

When you finally found someone who completes you like no one else does.
When someone just fits the gaps between your fingers perfectly and someone who makes you feel like home.

And you both just love each other madly,

That you both can't get enough of each other's hug and comfort.

His presence just makes you feel good and can't stop giving love signs even he is far in distance.

The little surprises that make you smile for days and late night talks that keep you boosted to face anything.

He makes you laugh harder and smile wider.

Been there at your best and loved you at your worst.

And probably the only person enjoys making you laugh and admires it.

Life talks which didn't bore the both of you, signified this is the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with.

You finally knew you found someone you will never want to lose in your life and that person is definitely your soulmate.

And then there comes a storm where you both are not blessed to be together for some reasons.

Hearts shattered, dreams crushed.

Where would you go..?

What should you do..?

Lost and clueless.

And you realize love doesn't only need both of your acceptance but it includes the universe's acceptance as well.

Love wasn't only about you and him.

It did need the approval of the people you are surrounded with, your family, close knits etc.

Here comes in a flash of whys and what ifs everything falls into its place.

What does it take to be worthy to the universe..?

And you felt like a failure.

As the time approaches,
You have to let go of your loved one for the sake of the people you are surrounded with.

Drained and died without knowing how to save your relationship.

Tears fall as you watch them slip off your hands and you are helpless.

A beautiful love story ended just like that..?

Yes as sad it may sound, it would be deadly facing it.

There will be pieces of each other in your daily thoughts and actions.

Moving on wasn't easy as he is engraved in your blood, breath, and heart.

Missing him was part of your life.

Everyday, every time, all you do is wondering what if you both were accepted by the universe.

At the end of the day, all you have is little hope that someday you both will be united and accepted.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

RELATIONSHIPS ONLY GET BORED WHEN

Let's get something perfectly clear, okay..?

Relationships only get boring when someone isn't trying anymore.

Relationships only get boring when someone isn't putting in as much effort as before.

Relationships only get boring when someone's heart isn't in it like it used to be.

Relationships only get boring when someone is starting to outgrow you.

Relationships only get boring when someone has gotten too comfortable and too complacent.

Relationships only get boring when someone constantly argues with you over every little thing.

Relationships only get boring when someone has met someone else who made them wish they were single again.

Relationships only get boring when someone is no longer afraid to lose you.

Relationships only get boring when someone is slowly getting to the point where they can see a life without you.

Relationships only get boring when someone doesn't feel the need to fight for you any longer.

Relationships only get boring when someone has fallen out of love.

So if you think your relationship has gotten boring,

That's because you're the one who's still paying attention,

Who's still emotionally invested,

And who's still wanting to make it work.

The thing is, you're the only one and somewhere along the way,

You've already lost them.

Relationships only get boring when someone has given up, and that's something you need to understand.

- Teddy Nguyen -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THE GIRL WHO'S NEVER BEEN INTO A RELATIONSHIP

To the girl who's never been into a relationship,

Do not feel pressured that everyone is in a relationship already.

It's not a competition.

It's not a race.

Do not force a relationship to happen.

Do not settle for less just to have one.

True love comes to those who wait.

There's no need to rush.

Love when you're ready not because you're just envious of your friends.

Do not feel bad about yourself.

Someday, someone will love your wholeness.

Someone will treat you like you're one of the best things that happened to him.

For now, chase your dreams and be a better person.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

LOVE YOURSELF MORE

No one is going to love you exactly like you imagine.
No one is ever going to read your mind and take every star from the sky at the perfect time and hand it to you.
No one is going to show up at your door on a horse, with a shoe you lost.

Do you understand..?
That's why you love yourself enough, so that any other love just adds more candles to the cake you've already iced.

- Stephanie Bennett - Henry -

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

NO MATTER HOW

No matter how beautiful you are someone will still cheat on you.
No matter how loyal you are, somebody will still take you for granted.
No matter how educated you are, somebody will still leave you.
No matter who you are, people will still do something that you will not expect because people don't have the same heart as you do.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

SINGLE ISN'T UGLY

Being single doesn't mean that you are ugly.

It's just that the right person is yet to come.

While being single, chase your dreams and love yourself more.

So, when the time comes, you are now ready to share a part of you.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

PAMPER ME WITH FOOD

To the person who pampers me with food,

Thank you so much for accepting me even if I eat a lot.
For still loving me even if gained a lot of weight.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally even if I keep on demanding food.
Thank you so much for our food trips and all.

You're my eating buddy, my best friend and my one and only.

To more calories we eat..!

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

YOU ARE JUST BEING HUMAN

Do not force yourself to move on.

Do not lie to yourself that you already do.

Do not fake and pretend to be strong.

Cry until no tears come out of your eyes.

Grief until it hurts mo more.

It's okay to feel vulnerable.

It's okay to feel weak.

You are just being human.

Most importantly, soon enough you will be okay.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

A GIRL WHO IS

Girls who read books are totally a big turn on.

A girl who widens her horizon is so beautiful.

A girl who is well informed is sexy.

A girl who is smart is completely amazing.

A girl who talks with sense and who fights for her ideologies is so worth it.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

OVER YOU..!

Once I'm totally over you, there's no turning back.

Once I'm totally done with you, don't expect that I will still care.

Once I have moved on, you'll just remain a memory forever.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

I WILL DO MY BEST

We don't know what the future holds.

But, I'll do my best to be the best boyfriend you'll ever have.

I'm certainly not perfect.

There might be times that you feel like I'm taking you for granted.

I'm really sorry if you feel that way.

There might be times that I disappoint you, thank you for understanding.

We still have a long way to go, no promises, but I am just here to love, protect and respect you.

If I'll have to live on another life, I'll still choose you.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

TO THE GIRL WHO HAD ENOUGH

To the girl who had enough,

She's so tired of extending her patience.

She's so tired of trying not to let go.

She's so tired of being the second option.

She's so tired of being taken for granted.
She's so tired of understanding.
She's so tired of all the excuses.

She's so tired of hearing the same reasons again.
But now she's so ready to love herself again.

To fix her shattered heart and be the best version of herself.

She's so ready to let go even if it kills her inside.

Even if it'll hurt her so badly.

She has to, because it's already very toxic.

It's very suffocating.

Her bravery is to be reckoned.

She's now ready to look forward on what life has in store for her..!

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

YOU NEED TO GO THROUGH THE BAD TIMES

You need to fall in love with the wrong people.

You need to be attracted to the worst kind of people.

You need to get attached to toxic people.

You need to be lied to a bunch of times.

You need to feel like you're being cheated on by what feels like everybody you come across.

You need to find out that, that person you want already wants someone else.

You need to be told by someone you see potential in that they only want to be friends with you.

You need to have your expectations in people be met with disappointment time after time.

You need to have those days where you don't feel like you're good enough.

You need to have those moments where you just wanna break down and cry.

You need to give bad people chances so that they can help you realize that this isn't what you want. You need to be in bad relationships and have bad break ups.

You need to have your trust shattered over and over.

You need to have your heart broken again and again.

You need to go through all of that so that when the right one finally comes along, you can say,

"This is how it's supposed to feel"

and you would be able to appreciate how everything you've been through has led you up to this happiness that will last.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

KEEP HOLDING ON

I understand how rough things are right now.

I just want to let you know that things will get better, I promise.

Keep holding on just a little bit longer.

I know you feel like nobody really cares.

You're wrong, stop denying it.

I care, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this.

You're not alone, we may be miles away but we're all going through the same things.

Please keep holding on.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

BAD RELATIONSHIP IS A BAD RELATIONSHIP

So many people stay stuck in a horrible or unloving relationship for the sad sake they are afraid of change or being alone.

A bad relationship is a bad relationship, even if there are some good moments.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

DON'T CHASE SOMEBODY LIKE A DOG

Dear you reading this,

Yes you love him, but please love yourself more.

You have been replaced, but you still chase after him.

That's pure stupidity sweetheart..!

Your life won't end if he's gone.

You have to rebuild yourself.

Chase your dreams.

Be the best version of yourself.

You deserve better for sure.

You still have your family and friends.

One thing for sure, everything will be fine.

You are more than someone who chases somebody like a dog.

You are a princess remember that..!

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

NOBODY IS PERFECT

Never leave a relationship for a few faults.

Nobody is perfect and nobody is correct all the time.

No one will give you the perfect love.

There is no such thing as perfect relationship.

In the end, affection is always greater than perfection.

Simply put, when you love someone, they become your reason.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

NO MATTER HOW

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil

GOD FIXES THE BROKEN HEART

Some people are sent into our lives to make us realize that human beings.
No matter how much they promise, you are going to let you down one day.
But God, He will remain with you every step of your life and His promises are true.

After all, how many times have the people broken your heart and how many times has God fixed it for you, again and again..?

Don't hate those who lied to you, cheated and betrayed you.
It will teach you how to rely on God and expect less from creation.
They will be answerable for their deeds and you will be accountable for your deeds.
Forgive them and leave everything to God.
He is just made for you.

Written By Siti Khadijah Halil